DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently received a strange, cryptic text from my friend at a late hour of the night. It had worrying connotations and made me think that they might be considering suicide.
The iPhone now has a feature where you can unsend messages, so they deleted it shortly after I received it, but I still saw a part of it before they had a chance to unsend it.
How can I express my concern without making them uncomfortable? This situation is delicate, and I don’t want them to feel like I’m overreacting.
Cryptic Message
DEAR CRYPTIC MESSAGE: Being a friend in a situation like this means risking the friendship, at least in the short term, because you dare to probe.
Go for it. Reach out to this friend. See if you can get together in person. If not, try for a video call so that you can see them as close to face-to-face as possible.
Bring up the message directly. Express your concern about what you read in their text. Ask them what’s going on. Push a bit. Do your best to get your friend to open up. Let them know that you are not judging, you just want to help.
Suggest that they talk to somebody about whatever’s going on with them. Offer to be a sounding board for them to get the conversation going, but don’t play therapist. You are not a professional. Press hard to get them to seek help.
If they get mad at you, so be it. Your persistence could help to save their life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in my final year of grad school. When I was an undergrad, I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was physically and mentally abusive toward me. We had a bad breakup, and I’m still dealing with a lot of the emotional damage that the relationship caused.
My ex has gone on to become a popular, well-liked professional athlete. It really feels wrong that someone so cruel is getting so much positive attention. I hate even hearing his name mentioned casually, and it happens all the time.
I have no interest in exposing our past issues publicly and potentially ruining his career. How do I cope?
Still Hurt
DEAR STILL HURT: What do you want? Do you want anyone to know about this man’s past? Could it be worth it to anyone to have this man’s past exposed? If you think it may protect someone, it would be helpful to report the behavior.
If you truly do not want to reveal your or his pasts at all, you will need to learn to live with his newfound fame. You can turn off the TV when his name pops up. You can change the subject when people who know that you previously dated ask you about him. You can choose to move on.
The only reason you may want to reconsider spilling the beans is if you believe you may be able to protect another woman from his abusive ways.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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