DEAR HARRIETTE: I am at my wit’s end with my girlfriend.
We’re both in our late 20s, but sometimes she still won’t do certain things without her parents’ permission. If her parents express any disapproval, she listens to them without question.
We were planning a monthlong trip to another country, and when her father said it was too dangerous, she immediately agreed to cancel.
I feel like she needs to grow up and learn to make her own decisions. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t think for herself.
How do I tell her that she needs to make her own decisions?
Grow Up
DEAR GROW UP: Are you looking at this relationship as a long-term commitment? What do you want from it and with her? I ask that because it will take a lot for your girlfriend to break free from her parents’ psychological hold over her.
If you are willing to stick around and support her through this, confront her about your observations. If not, you can draw her attention to it, but it may be too overwhelming for her to address.
What you can do is remind her of her age and station in life. Point out that now is the time to become independent and start making decisions for herself. Of course, she will always honor her parents, but they should no longer be making decisions for her.
Tell her that you think she is afraid to exert her independence, and this worries you. You want a partner who is ready to be her own decision-maker. Ask her if she is willing to step into that role for herself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a first-year college student. While the semester is coming to an end and all of my classmates are eagerly waiting for summer break to arrive, I am dreading it.
My college life is vastly different from my home life, which was nothing short of toxic and unbearable. Going back home means facing all the negative feelings and experiences that come with it.
What should I do? How do I cope?
Stressed-Out Student
DEAR STRESSED-OUT STUDENT: It is probably too late to search for a job and housing at school for the summer, but you might as well check. Many colleges offer summer programs. If that works, you can stay where you are.
Get creative and think outside the box. For example, if some dorms are open, they may need custodial help or front desk support. The cafeteria usually needs workers, even if the summer semester has fewer students. Go to your adviser and ask for help figuring something out.
If nothing turns up, schedule your summer so that you are not in the house too much. Find a job and work as many hours per week as you can. Save your money.
Begin to create boundaries with the toxic people in your life so that you can have as much space as possible. Expand your horizons in your community, and do your best to form new, healthier bonds.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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