DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having trouble navigating my relationship with my in-laws, particularly due to my background. My husband is from a wealthy family, and I was homeless for the majority of my childhood.
Every time I mention my upbringing, I feel their judgment, like I have nothing to be proud of.
I understand that they come from a different background and can’t possibly comprehend what I’ve experienced. I do, however, think they need to see that this upbringing helped shape me into a grateful, successful and strong person who wouldn’t trade her experiences for the world.
I just wish there were a way to show them the power and grace of my background and how much I’ve achieved despite any challenges that have come my way.
Any advice you have for me on how I can help my in-laws understand would be greatly appreciated.
Proud of My Past
DEAR PROUD OF MY PAST: Stop focusing on getting your in-laws to understand and approve of you. Don’t feel like you have to justify yourself when you talk to them. You can be pleasant when you are with them and choose what you want to share depending on how much energy you want to devote to unpacking whatever they say to you.
Socioeconomic differences are some of the most difficult to navigate in relationships. You may not be able to change their view of you. That’s OK. Clearly, your husband sees you for all that you are, including your background.
Over time, as your in-laws learn more about you and see your life, they may open their eyes more broadly. For now, though, don’t exert too much energy trying to show them who you are. Live your life and surround yourself with others who love you for you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is best friends with a young man who is first-generation American. They go to college together, and this young man has been a positive influence on my son.
The two of them study together, and I have seen my son’s work ethic improve dramatically in just one year. When I asked him what happened to inspire his newfound academic discipline, he told me more about his friend.
The good thing is that this student is driven to do excellent work. The somewhat scary part is that his parents constantly threaten to send him back to Africa if he doesn’t bring home excellent grades.
I don’t want my son to feel that he will be penalized if he doesn’t get all A’s, even as I like how this discipline is impacting him. How can I talk to him about our values without passing judgment?
Discipline Vs. Balance
DEAR DISCIPLINE VS. BALANCE: Tell your son how proud you are of his accomplishments and his recent commitment to his academics. Acknowledge that he has his friend to thank for inspiring him to step it up.
Thank your son for sharing details about his friend’s family. Add that you want him to know that there are no such severe consequences that you would impose on him if he did not reach the highest standards. However, the consequences will come anyway, through the opportunities he will be afforded in life. So doing his best is the wise option so that he has the greatest chances of successfully achieving his dreams.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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