DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is still treating me as if I am a child, even though I am 23 years old.
I understand 23 is still young, but I have moved out of the house and am paying all my own bills. She still feels as if she needs to have control over me.
I am switching jobs soon and need to drive halfway across the country. I want to make the drive alone because I need room in the car for my possessions. I also want to do the drive on my time and not have to worry about another person’s needs.
My mom keeps asking me to take someone, but I just don’t feel as if it is necessary. I have everything planned out perfectly. I am going to drive halfway, stop and stay at a hotel, and then make the rest of the drive the next day. I am a good driver and am always careful to be aware of my surroundings, so I feel confident that I can do this on my own.
How do I make my mom trust me more?
Building Trust
DEAR BUILDING TRUST: First, know that your mother is not wrong in thinking that it could be helpful and pleasant to share the big drive with someone else. Her suggestion is not equivalent to treating you like a child. It is wise counsel.
At this stage in your life, it is time to evaluate emerging situations as neutrally as possible. What are the pros and cons of the choices before you? What do you think? What advice is your mother giving you? What wisdom comes from others?
Ultimately, you will have to decide on your own what makes sense for you and take action based on that decision. With your mother, it will be helpful to let her know that you respect her and her opinion and that sometimes you may make a different decision based on all that you know and care about.
As you make more decisions on your own and learn from them, you can share your successes and failures with your mother so that she can see how you are navigating your life. As she sees the impact of your choices, you create the space for her to trust you more.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter’s husband has not had a job for quite some time, and my daughter keeps making excuses for him.
I worry that she is enabling his behavior and that he may not be motivated to find work if he thinks he doesn’t need to.
I am unsure of how to address this with my daughter without straining our relationship. I want to support her, but I also want to make sure she and her husband are financially stable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Get a Job
DEAR GET A JOB: Step back and let them work through this situation. Obviously, they are not financially stable if he is out of work. Most families need two incomes to be stable in this economic environment.
Breathing down her neck about his situation is not going to make it easier for the two of them to figure things out. Give them space to adjust to reality and find a way forward. Hopefully he will find a job soon, and they will begin to rebuild. Unless she brings her dilemma to you directly or seems in peril of losing her home, stand down. Let them figure it out.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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