HEY BESTIE: My partner and I want to get into BDSM, but apart from watching 50 Shades of Grey, we don’t know where to start. What do you suggest?
As a Sexologist, it’s so exciting to hear from couples who are open to expanding their sexual repertoire!
Yep, you heard me right. Rather than just apples and oranges, you are branching out to try persimmons and maybe even venture into durian! Fruit aside, let’s dive into what BDSM is all about.
Let’s start with the basics. BDSM is the short version of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. As you can see – it covers a wide range of activities that couples and multiple partners can engage in.
Essentially, BDSM is an umbrella term for a range of sexual behaviours and preferences.
As a beginner, there’s a few things to take into consideration.
The golden rule is consent!
Consent is what is known as a primary feature of BDSM practices.
Consent is not overlooked nor rushed. Every aspect of what you are wanting to engage in, is very clearly discussed and agreed upon such as practices, safe words, stop words, etc…
One of the easiest points of entry into this practice is what is called sensory deprivation.
It’s been scientifically proven that if you deprive one of your five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing), then the other senses will become heightened.
It’s as simple as using a blindfold and chances are you already have something in your house available to you to be able to try this out.
Think scarf, sleeping mask (like the ones you get on a plane), a tie, bandana, and yes, I’ve even heard of clean footy socks being used, so feel free to get creative on this one.
Your communication will be on overload when you try out BDSM as you need to regularly check in with each other and adjust accordingly.
Take things slow, especially if this is your first time. Proceed with care and caution for one another.
Play and have fun. This is the perfect time to explore new positions, new toys, new techniques.
As you become more comfortable and more familiar with BDSM, you might want to visit an adult store to purchase some additional items to assist with your new practice. Yep, you get to go on a shopping spree — WOOHOO!
But before you go, I want to warn you: You will need to put aside at least an hour of your time (or more) to go into the shop, take a look around (as the range of accessories for BDSM practices is typically quite extensive), try things out, ask questions of the extremely knowledgeable and helpful staff and then make the purchase.
My second warning is that the accessories for BDSM are not cheap.
Good quality often means more expensive and this is not an area that you want to do on the cheap.
There are usually clips, metal, chains, etc. and you really want to make sure that they work and don’t break under a small amount of pressure.
Finally, have fun!
It’s a great opportunity for you to have fun sexploring what you enjoy and learning what you might not enjoy as much.
Be relaxed and stop if you need to because after all, everyone deserves to feel pleasured and empowered in the bedroom while trying out new experiences.
Your Bestie,
Amanda xx
Amanda Lambros is a sexologist and relationship coach with almost two decades of experience who takes pride in her “no b-s” approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health and business which have sold more than 150,000 copies.
Do you have a question for Amanda? Email [email protected] (don’t worry, we won’t publish your name!)
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