How I’ve learnt to spot a fake male feminist, and the warning signs I want you to know

Men that act like this are sometimes referred to as “pick me boys”. The trouble is, if you reject their advances – and don’t, in fact, pick them – these men have also been known to abandon said wokeness very quickly and become defensive and rude, abandoning their feminist posturing when it no longer suits them.

“Recently, we’ve had a certain kind of man able to access feminist narratives and apply them to his own advantage,” Nichi Hodgson, dating expert and author of The Curious History of Dating: From Jane Austen to Tinder, says. “It’s a sister tactic of wokefishing.”

So how do you know you’re dating someone who is a true ally to women, and isn’t co-opting your own beliefs and experiences to appear more attractive to you? These days, what’s for show and what counts as true understanding?

“If you want to know if someone is an ally or a fake feminist, pay more attention to their actions than their words,” Hodgson suggests. “If you feel you are being undermined or disrespected by their actions or microaggressions but they protest otherwise, you are right to be wary.

“An ally will never try and explain feminism to you, or claim they know more about it, even if they are well read or researched.”

Counsellor Ruth Micallef also states that an important distinction to make from the outset is whether a partner is “faking feminism” due to ignorance of the nuances of the situation, or using it as a guise for their narcissism.

If you feel that your partner is truly lacking understanding, there are ways in which you can communicate this to see if you can get yourself on equal footing.

“Think of a few concrete examples of how their lack of allyship affects your relationship, and then sit down and outline what’s going on,” Hodgson suggests. “You can presume best intent – i.e perhaps they are not wilfully trying to undermine you – but that their actions affect you all the same. If you can suggest what you would prefer them to do, that’s also helpful.”

If this doesn’t work out, or you suspect that your partner is faking being an ally in order to manipulate or control power dynamics, it is OK to set boundaries and exit the relationship.

After all, the proof of allyship in this case is not in what it says on someone’s t-shirt, in their dating app bio, or even what they tell you in a bar on your first date – but in their actions. 

It’s all about how a potential partner communicates. Whether they show understanding instead of preaching it and whether they listen instead of assuming they know someone else’s lived experiences. 

These distinctions are so important, as is taking the time to ensure that our romantic partners fall on the right side of them – and of history.