How to define and discuss your relationship deal breakers

As Dennis notes, an in-person talk about deal breakers gives you the opportunity to notice body language in a way a text or in-app message wouldn’t. Luckily, the beginning stage of a relationship is rife with opportunities to bring up deal breakers. When you’re just starting to date someone, you’re trying to get to know them. So the deal breaker conversation doesn’t have to be super serious.

“You probably won’t get very far if you simply come out and say, ‘Here are all of my relationship deal breakers – do you have any of them?’” Dr. Lehmiller says. Instead, try to find a way to bring your deal breakers up naturally. Francis recommends a light moment when you’re hanging out and talking with your date to say something like, “What are three absolute nos for you in a relationship?” Or, you can frame it in the positive, like: “What are three things you want most in a partner/relationship?” 

Other deal breakers can simply be observed. For instance, if you’re not into abrasive personalities, pay attention to how your date treats others. And if bad hygiene is a deal breaker, you can probably gauge that once you’re intimate – or when you see where they live. 

For people already in a relationship, talking about your boundaries will likely be an ongoing process and may come up in response to certain situations. For instance, maybe your partner was always present and engaged on dates in the beginning, but now you can’t get through a meal together without them picking up their phone. If that wasn’t a boundary that you established early on, it’s worth bringing it up later so that you’re both on the same page about what’s important to you. 

Be wary of having too many deal breakers. 

As Dr. Lehmiller said, going overboard on deal breakers can make it hard to find love if that’s what you’re looking for. “People who take what psychologists call the ‘shopping list’ approach to love struggle a lot more because they’re trying to find someone who checks a million boxes,” he says. And that can make it hard to focus on developing a genuine connection with someone.

Plus, relationships are about compromise. You’ll likely never find someone who you love every little thing about—it’s human nature to get annoyed or frustrated with each other, especially in close relationships. While boundaries are important, there’s a difference between a dislike and a true deal breaker. 

So when considering if a hang-up is truly a deal breaker, Dennis suggests asking yourself if this is a barrier keeping you from moving forward. Is it something you know you can’t get past in order to develop a meaningful, rewarding relationship with this person? Or is it not actually a big deal in the grand scheme of your relationship? Only you can make that call.

This article was originally published on SELF.