How to keep the ego aside in a relationship: Expert shares tips

In a relationship, often the ego takes the better of us. Ego is not a bad thing – it is simply trying to protect and guard us from a kind of pain that we are aware of. However, when the ego takes over, we often enter our childhood coping mechanisms – the kind that no longer serves us. Ego in a relationship makes protecting our identity look as the only concern. However, that also throws us far from the people we love. We end up looking at them like villains. Speaking of the importance of keeping the ego aside in relationship, Psychologist Nicole LePera wrote, “When our ego is running the show, most of us enter into our childhood coping mechanisms. Those coping mechanisms no longer serve us. In order to leave the ego, we have to first breathe. We have to learn to not become defensive or reactive to our own emotions.”

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What does ego look like in a relationship – Nicole LePera noted down:

Winning: The real intent of letting the ego take over in a relationship is to win the argument. It also takes up the fact of proving the other person wrong.

Past: The thoughts dwell on the past. We somehow find a connection from the issue at hand to the past where our feelings are justified and start bringing it up.

Impulse: Things and actions are done out of impulse in such cases, which we later feel bad about.

Childhood coping mechanism: Ego makes us enter childhood coping mechanisms – shut down, avoidance, defensiveness, and manipulative behaviors.

Common grounds: Ego focuses on winning – hence, we are not interested in finding a common ground or a solution to the problem at hand. “This takes us away from the ability to connect with the people we love. Instead, we are out to make them villains, or prove ourselves right,” wrote Nicole.

Perspective: we are taken over by our own perspective, hence we are not open to other perspectives.

Personal attack: We take disagreements as personal attacks and drag a argument to the personal level to attack the other person.

Nervous system: This activates the nervous system and makes our bodies go in flight, fight, freeze or fawn mode.

How do we cope up with it? Here’s a few tips:

Notice the ego: be conscious of the ego and when it comes up. This will help in keeping the ego aside and taking actions accordingly.

Take breaks: When the ego takes over, remember to take a short break. Take yourself out of the conversation or the situation, regulate the nervous system and be back at it.

Perspective: Donot interrupt when the other person is explaining their perspective. This doesnot mean that our perspectives are wrong, but we can learn from others as well.

Other ego: Notice when the other person’s ego is also taking over. In such cases, it is best to stop the conversation since it is no more seeking solutions.

Solutions: Be open to solutions – suggest solutions and ask the other person as well.

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