How to resolve conflict in relationship or marriage? Relationship experts answer

People have different opinions, experiences and beliefs, which influence us in how we deal with life let alone sticky conflictual situations and couples in a relationship or marriage are no different hence, conflicts, disagreements and arguments are normal and expected, whether in a romantic connection or a platonic one but they don’t have to be damaging or hostile when couples can see them as a growth opportunity. Disagreements and arguments happen for several reasons ranging from minor day to day conflicts like who does the dishes to more serious matters like cheating, physical and mental abuse.

It is important to note that arguments are the seeds of the conflict – the first twinkle of the diamond in the rock however, what t is vital is that conflicts don’t turn into drama or personal attacks and knowing how to resolve these problematic moments is the key in strengthening the bond between the two. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Daman R Philip, Relationship coach and and founder and CEO of The Life Experts, revealed, “Several relationship stressors are differences in perspectives, values, opinions, beliefs, differences in personalities, experiences, lack of communication, unmet expectations, financials etc.”

She added, “Before you try to sort out a conflict, it is important to understand the cause. Several conflicts have deep rooted problems that do not visibly appear on the surface. In my coaching sessions, 9 out 10 times I have found that relationship stressors and complaints have their origin in deep rooted problems and what appears evident and visible on the surface is just the tip of the ice berg. Identifying the root cause is critical to the resolution.”

She listed some thoughtful steps you can take to improve the quality of your relationship and have a happy, harmonious, playful and passionate bond with your partner:

1. Re-examine your focus – If you are focused on ‘winning’ an argument or proving yourself ‘right’ or ‘defending yourself’- conflicts will escalate. Instead focus on solving the issue at hand. Direct your energies towards a solution because what you focus on will expand.

2. Become aware of and let go of your recurrent negative patterns of behaviour –Be a fly on the wall and take an unbiased neutral view of your negative patterns. Make a list and against each pattern, replace with a positive pattern. Find new ways to channel your energies.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate and collaborate – “It is not what you say, but how you say it.” Communicate how you are feeling without making assumptions and blaming your partner.

4. Be willing to forgive – Resolving a conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others. Forgiveness is not easy – it is a process. It’s a series of small acts – admitting mistakes, changing your feelings, desires, thoughts, and actions toward your partner, practicing honesty and putting your partner first – these add up over time. Forgiveness takes work.

Karina Calver, a relationship expert and founder of Hukam Healing, asserted, “Resolving conflict is like learning a new hobby. It isn’t something one can grasp and master overnight. It is a constant figuring out together what words, tone and gestures help in clearing the air. Most importantly, just because one approach didn’t work (for you both) it doesn’t mean you or your partner aren’t cut out for it. It is always easier to scream and shout but it creates a greater divide. So come back to the present moment, look at your loved one and remind yourself that these skills are important to bring you both even closer and don’t forget to kiss and make up because a long passionate kiss says a thousand words.”

She listed 4 pointers on what we can do to go from feeling frustrated to feeling closer to our significant other:

1. Listen intently and compassionately – More often than not, when couples argue there is a burning desire to feel understood or at times to prove that we are right. While that may seem important, if it is conveyed with ignoring what your partner is saying just to prove your point then you will come across as being insensitive and unempathetic.

2. Your partner is NOT your enemy – When resolving conflict, it is important to bear in mind that our partner is not our enemy. This may sound strange but what it really means is being mindful that we don’t use language or a tone that we would later regret because this person with whom we are having a disagreement with is someone we love. How we speak to them when in a disagreement or during an argument shows how we respect them even when we have different views on things.

3. Don’t rehash past mistakes – When your partner has done something, which upsets you and perhaps this has occurred previously, don’t list out the past mistakes when resolving the current situation. By doing so, it makes your partner feel like he/she is at fault and you come across as a critical judge. This doesn’t clear what is brewing at the moment. So the way to tackle it is to ask him/her how you can help him/her so that there is an understanding from an emotional space of how to resolve this from the core.

4. Remind them you love them – This may sound odd especially when this person (at the moment) has gotten on your nerves. The reason it is important to step back from the space of anger or frustration and tell them you still love them is because when we are upset at our partner, it can come across as we no longer love them. The anger mounts up and the energy felt is the opposite of love. So being explicit and telling them you love them and want to clear the air shows not just maturity but it also reminds him or her that you both are on the same team even when there is a conflict between the both of you.

Relationships can be challenging but you choose to be with your partner because you care about them. Remember that you don’t want to avoid conflict in your relationship, just find ways to manage it.