How to survive Christmas when you have an eating disorder

I loved Christmas 2020. As someone who has had an eating disorder for all of my adult life, being away from the parties and family gatherings during the pandemic meant the pressure to eat was off. I know for most people, the feast of Christmas is something they adore. But I’ve had anorexia for 15 years, since I was 19, and nothing is more agonising than huge amounts of food and forced fun in a confined space.

Christmas has always been a challenge, eating food that deviated from what I felt was normal, especially with other people around. I’m obsessed with calories and content, whereas Christmas is meant to be a ‘let your hair down’ kind of event. My sister would always want special breakfasts whereas I wanted to stick to my rules. I remember bursting into tears at the sight of a roast dinner. I’d find excuses to skip parties, and insist on doing exercise in the cold and snow, just to try to make up for any anticipated ‘extra’ food. I’d stare at the boxes of chocolate or mince pies, willing myself to have one, but holding myself back. I have just about got comfortable eating what I deem to be safe meals with my immediate family (mum, dad, brother, sister and partners) but hate eating in front of anyone else, so we have super low-key Christmasses with Christmas dinners that I’m sure some people would think are a bit half-hearted. 

But a fun Christmas is something I want, and part of the life that I’m trying to build for myself. I’d love a whirlwind of spontaneous Christmas parties, free-flowing fizz and endless mince pies, and I still hold out hope it might happen. But for now, anorexia has placed restrictions on my life that mean I just can’t do it.

Eating disorders don’t stop for Christmas. Whilst everyone else is kicking back and having fun, the anxiety and torment that comes from a severe and enduring eating disorder is very real.

And I’m not the only one. For the 1.25 million people living with an eating disorder in the UK, Christmas isn’t always a sparkling wonderland of delight. Last year, BEAT said that contact to their helpline in December 2020 was up by 110% compared to pre-pandemic levels. Charities are currently seeing demand around three times higher than pre-pandemic, so are preparing for incredibly high demand for Christmas 2021.

And it’s not just the sheer volume of food at Christmastime that ED patients find difficult. For me, I find it hard to eat around people, and eat food cooked by others. I just about trust my mum to make what I call a ‘safe’ roast dinner, in which my food is weighed and plated up in the kitchen, so I know it’s what I consider the ‘right’ amount. 

The obsession with calories and rules is something typical of anorexia, and actually got worse when I was diagnosed and given meal plans, as this seemed to be a maximum amount I could eat, and anything over this I now consider to be too much. The anxiety starts early on, when the first Christmas foods appear in the supermarket and songs start playing on the radio. What will be expected of me, and can I manage this? I think that’s part of the problem – the high pressures and expectations to make this The Happiest Time of the Year, when really, for those of us who suffer with disordered eating, it’s nothing short of terrifying.