How To Survive Eating Out With Your Kids

The first time I took my first-born son to dinner he was three weeks old and strapped to my chest in a Snugli. Frankly, I would have preferred to be out with just my wife after 21 days of sleepless nights and constant fretting, but since we couldn’t get a sitter and desperately needed a night out, he came with us.

We later took him to restaurants in France and Italy, carrying him in an open straw basket, praying he wouldn’t wake up just as the sommelier was opening the wine. We found out quickly that Italians adore having babies and children in their restaurants, while the French love having dogs but abhor having children in the dining room. 

I recall one restaurateur in Alba., Italy, picking up my fifteen-month-old son and handing him to his wife, who was also the chef; she, in turn, plopped him down in the kitchen, where other women entertained and fed him while we dined blissfully for the next two hours, pretending to be unaware that our son had disappeared into the steamy, wonderful aromas of the kitchen.  

After that, he rarely balked at going out to dinner with us. Nor did his brother, born four years later, when the two of them were actually old enough to sit at a restaurant table and behave in some civil fashion. I don’t know why, but American parents seem challenged by the idea of taking their kids to dinner—as opposed to a fast food joint of the kids’ choosing—while in Europe and Asia parents believe such activity is crucial to a child’s education, health and well being.  Well, maybe not the French so much.

That said, here are some tips for taking (American) kids out to eat. 

Favor Italian, Mexican or Chinese restaurants, because invariably the kids will find something crispy, fried, or with cheese on it. Wherever there are noodles there is a high probability the kids will eat them. 

Don’t let them order. Just choose several items, especially those they are not familiar with, and have the waiter set them all on the table family-style. When they ask, “What’s that?” just say, “Try it.” If they say, “What if I hate it?” reply, “Then don’t try it.” I can guarantee their appetites and salivary glands will propel them to try something, maybe everything, as long as you don’t try to force them to. And they will like it and become more and more adventurous.

Tell the manager or waiter to get something to nibble on to the table immediately—bread and butter, Mexican chips, Chinese noodles. Kids’ blood sugar levels cause them to be cranky if not fed when hunger strikes.

Be prepared to order quickly for the same reason. Don’t dawdle, or let your wife declare, “Oh, everything looks sooooo good, I don’t know what to choose.” The one-minute-forty-five second rule should be enforced that everyone has to make a choice within that time frame. In most cases you can look up the menu on-line beforehand and know what to order as soon as you sit down.

Ask for a table near the rest rooms and one you can get up from easily. You know why.

Small children might be allowed small toys at the table, but stifle their mania for playing video games at the youngest possible age. Same with iPhones and Blackberries when they get older.

See if you can get a female server.  I have found they tend to be much more patient, even maternal, when dealing with children.

Dessert should be a reward for good behavior. Carrots and sticks still work.

 If you must take children to a fancy, deluxe restaurant, alert the manager and tell him you will be in and out in a civilized 90-minute span. Get the check when you order dessert.

 The cut-off age you can expect kids to behave at a restaurant is twelve, after which teenagers are impossible to please because they can think of nothing more repellant to them than being seen eating out with their parents.  

It’s also when they start to concoct their own idiotic diet requirements and suddenly find everything you’d suggest from a menu abominable or inedible.  Wait till they’re eighteen—at least your daughter—then try to coax them out to a fine restaurant.  

 If a kid has gone vegetarian, just check the restaurant’s menu on-line and tell the management, who can advise whether a dish has any animal or dairy products in it. In most restaurants it’s not a problem at all. But, if the kid has gone vegan (where did you go wrong?), there is no way in hell you will ever please him or her, so just forget about going out entirely.