I feel guilty for wanting a more kinky sex life than my partner can offer

I have been with my partner for seven years and we have not had sex for the last three. For a long time this was due to her mental health and a period of intense stress and trauma. During this time I flirted with other people and rediscovered my love of kink, a love my partner does not share. This also led to an affair that resulted in the best sex of my life. My partner now wants the relationship to work and to re-engage sexually but, much as I love her, I find myself recoiling from her efforts. I also feel tremendous guilt that my desire for a more kink-based sex life might destroy a seven-year relationship.

It sounds as though you are on your way out of this relationship. You have difficult decisions to make. If you choose to stay, you will either have to give up your outside activities or continue them in secret. Whatever you choose, there will be a price to pay. First, you must try to find out if it would even be possible for you to re-engage with your partner, although your use of the word “recoiling” suggests that is unlikely. It sounds as though you have been hiding an important part of your sexual self for some time in this relationship. If we are not fully ourselves with a partner, the pressure of shutting off an “unacceptable” part can become too great and end the relationship. Provided your specific “kink” interest is a consensual one, try to be accepting of it yourself, and recognise that you deserve to be fully accepted by others.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.