I feel too excited to sleep, and too exhausted to wake up. How can I fix this cycle? | Leading questions

How do you fix an unhealthy life routine? I have always considered myself a “night owl”, but lately I feel like I’m missing out on life. I like my job, I want to keep it – I’m currently on probation – but since the beginning of the pandemic and working from home/hybrid working have become a thing, I’ve trapped myself in an unhealthy routine and I struggle to fit in with the rest of the world’s circadian rhythm.

I snooze my alarm (if I even hear it), go back to bed, start work late, forget to have breakfast and/or lunch, finish work late and sleep late. When I do start work early and the time to “switch off” arrives, I feel guilty that all my tasks aren’t fully ironed out, so I keep working until late and inevitably slide back into my unhealthy habits.

I feel too excited to sleep at night and too exhausted to wake up in the morning. I’ve grown to resent my work-from-home space, my sleeping space and myself. I’m missing out on the weekend because I sleep in, and I spend less time with my fiance than I’d like to. How can I get out of this vicious circle?

Eleanor says: First, know that sleep issues and habit issues can each be signs of things that warrant professional help. ADHD, depression and sleep disorders can all present as habits that just won’t break. These problems are not a matter of willpower, and they won’t be solved by willpower either. Therapy or doctor visits might seem expensive or onerous, but if you think of it as an investment in being able to keep your job and enjoy your life, it might be one of the better financial moves you could make.

If those possibilities have been ruled out, one really helpful thing to remember is that habit change is not, in the first instance, about waiting for the feelings and emotions to improve. As someone who’s often found themselves at the bottom of a well like this, looking up, I’ve found frequently, things go the other way around. It’s about starting to do it, regardless of how you feel. You drag yourself to the gym, haul yourself out of bed, schlep to the obligatory event – and surprise! Being there changes the way you feel.

Once you know that the target is to do something different, however you feel, you can enlist tools to help with that. I really like Talking Time apps, which announce the time in a booming, authoritative voice. It’s a good way to lose the plausible deniability that you’ve stepped outside time for a moment and will be back in a minute. Nope: the day is marching on, as a Talking Time is here to remind you.

Switching up your space can also be a powerful signal to your brain to start a new chapter. You mentioned resenting your spaces; could you change the position of the bed, switch the linen, do a big chuck-out in your workspace? Or work from a library or cafe instead?

People who have to live in confined spaces (like compounds) for long stretches often insist on different areas for the different functions in a day, because even small changes in scenery make such a difference to how we feel. A routine walk in the morning, a marked shift between work and leisure – anything that isn’t just sitting in torpor without a break.

There are many other tools you could enlist. For sleep, there’s sunlight in the early morning, routine cardio, screen-free time and magnesium before bed. For stopping work earlier, there are time-tracking calendars, accountability buddies and the simple act of making unbreakable plans with others. For generally doing what you judge you shouldn’t, people swear by writing down why you want to change (“so I can feel like I’m living my life again”) and reading that piece of paper often.

Underneath all these strategies, though, it’s important to remember to go easy on yourself. The world did shut down for two years, and despite a widespread effort to shove cauliflower in our ears and go “lalala” about that, it probably had some pretty serious effects on wellbeing.

It sounds like you haven’t been in a great spot for a while: a work arrangement you don’t like, sleeping poorly, feeling ashamed and like you’re taxing your fiance’s patience. No matter how much you think you should feel guilty, the reality is it won’t actually help. The more you mentally flagellate yourself, the more you’re contributing to the problem by adding to the list of things to be avoidant about.

So as you embark on trying to change this, try to go gently – when you feel guilt, acknowledge it and try to set it to the side, like you’re putting it in a jar to come back to later. Change is slow and doesn’t go in a straight line. Beating yourself up will only slow it down.

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