I’m bisexual, and these are the four questions I’m fed up of being asked

Frustratingly, these experiences – and many of the questions that come with them – are not only contributing further to bi-erasure, but are a direct product of it, says Lois Shearing, author of Bi The Way (a book that I have personally found to be exceptionally useful in my own journey).

“People have these questions and misunderstandings about bi lives and identities because bisexuality is still very invisible in mainstream discourse/education,” she explains.

Shearing agrees these types of questions can certainly contribute to bi people feeling out of place and like they don’t belong. Also: “It does a lot of harm to bi people’s mental health to be treated like we’re something weird and different and that our personal lives and relationships are open to questioning and debate.”

Similarly, she notes, we can experience “double discrimination and exclusion from both straight and gay communities.”

As mentioned, my conversations with both heterosexual people and those within the Queer community have been overwhelmingly positive, and I have felt supported by most. However, I’d love to stop hearing the following questions fired at me immediately after I disclose my sexuality (please also note that I am not claiming to speak for the whole bisexual community with this piece, these are just my personal experiences and opinions).

Question one: ‘Are you sure you’re bi? Aren’t you just XYZ?’

The end of this sentence is usually something like ‘confused’ or ‘experimenting’. Well, as Girl In Red sings in one of my now-favourite songs, Girls: “no, this is not a phase or a coming of age, this will never change.”

I’ve known deep down I was attracted to more than one gender my entire life, so I am most certainly not just ‘confused’. But – real talk – I’ve realised that’s not something I even need to prove to anybody to justify my sexuality.

I am also often asked if I might identify with another sexual orientation. This for me is equally – if not more – frustrating, as it has taken me nearly 30 years to share my truth as a bisexual person, so you can rest assured that I am sure, and that I know who I am and what I identify as, thank you very much.

Question two: ‘Can you even be bi if you haven’t done XYZ?’

This one really gets to me, perhaps the most. It feeds into an archaic notion that your bisexuality is only valid if you have had certain experiences, both in your dating history and your sexual experiences.

Before I had had intimate experiences with a woman, I was sometimes asked if that meant I could truly define myself as bi. As if sharing sexual experiences with someone is the only thing that can solidify and ‘prove’ your identity. Do we only consider a person able to define themselves as ‘straight’ once they’ve had sex with somebody? No. So why should it be any different for others with different sexual orientations?!