Conventional thinking suggests that the older one gets, the more one becomes set in one’s ways. It becomes more difficult to adjust to change or to compromise on what one wants and how one wants things done. That’s partly what the myth of “marriageable age” is about. After a certain age or stage, it’s harder to build a life with another person, the fallacy goes.
My experience suggests that we can adjust, adapt and compromise all our lives, if we choose to. After all, each person’s environment, social circle, even their own bodies, minds and preferences are constantly evolving. These changes require adjustments and varying degrees of compromise — at work, with colleagues, parents, siblings and friends.
The more we practise healthy adjustment and compromise, the better we get at making the right choices for ourselves and our relationships. But if the choices are not motivated by healthy factors such as mutual respect and affection; if instead they are motivated by factors such as fear; then “compromise” can become a form of dysfunction.
This is often visible early in a relationship. A client, Seema, has been seeing a man for five months. He often calls her his boss and lets her make decisions for them both, from what they’ll do over a weekend to who they will meet to sometimes selecting his socks. In the beginning, she found this endearing. Now, she finds this behaviour needy and clinging. She doesn’t like taking care of every detail.
Here’s the advice she got from an aunt: At 33, it’s slim pickings; learn how to compromise and don’t lose the man.
Seema already thinks of herself as behind the clock; she wanted to be married by 30. At some point this man proposed and she thought her aunt might have a point. Why not say yes? Yet something was holding her back from doing so. A friend suggested she reach out for help with this decision, and she contacted me.
When we went over the attachment style of her boyfriend, certain other issues emerged. His insecurity was one. She talked to me about how upset he becomes if she doesn’t respond within two hours of a text. She spoke of the silent treatment she receives if she laughs at a joke made by a male friend. How he takes digs at her because she’s more successful in her profession than he is in his.
Soon enough, Seema was no longer asking whether she should marry him. She was asking for help breaking up with him gently.
The fact is, compromise is crucial to any long-term relationship. The things one compromises on keep changing too, as relationships evolve. But there is a distinction between a healthy compromise, like a couple learning to find balance when one is an introverted and the other an extroverted personality, and an unhealthy one where one party is asked to adjust to demands, changes and a way of life they are not comfortable with.
The “compromises” to watch out for are those that have to do with disrespect of yourself, a one-sided monitoring of money or spending habits, a one-sided or unreasonable monitoring of your time. Adjusting to unpleasant demands on these fronts is not just hard, it takes a toll on the relationship in the long term.
I find that it is healthier to seek balance as one works out a compromise. This puts both individuals’ choices at par, and shifts the goal to one of seeking resolution, rather than negating the feelings of one half of an equation. Each person’s choices then become valid choices to be balanced out as best they can be.
It could have been the same for Seema, if there were a willingness on her boyfriend’s part to meet her halfway, perhaps by picking up his own socks, laughing with her at other men’s jokes, and occasionally helping out with weekend plans.
As difficult as it can be to do, it also helps to have honest conversations about such issues early on in a relationship. Such a talk should come from a place of kindness, respect and understanding, and avoid accusations in word or tone. (That’s actually a good formula for any difficult conversation with a partner).
Invest time in doing this at the start and you put yourselves on a healthier road as a couple, and have a template for how to resolve differences with healthy compromise as they occur over time. It may not be easy to do this in the early weeks and months, but it makes things much easier in the long run.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])
Stay connected with us on social media platform for instant update click here to join our Twitter, & Facebook
We are now on Telegram. Click here to join our channel (@TechiUpdate) and stay updated with the latest Technology headlines.
For all the latest Art-Culture News Click Here
