Jealousy in relationships: How to reframe your thoughts and emotions

Rather than labelling yourself as a “jealous person,” recognize that you are a complex being with many different thoughts, feelings, beliefs, fears, and dreams. If your trust has been broken in the past, it can be really hard to learn how to trust again. Jealousy or having difficulty trusting in a relationship is a protective strategy attempting to keep us from getting hurt again. We don’t need to change, suppress, stop, get over, or get rid of jealousy. Instead, it needs to be acknowledged and accepted. We need to learn strategies to manage jealousy so that we can feel those feelings and not let them control us. ⁠Let’s put jealousy in context and figure out how to build a meaningful life and meaningful relationships that feel supportive and safe. ⁠(Also read: Relationship anxiety: How to identify and address the signs before it’s too late )

⁠Jordan Green, Licensed Therapist and Relationship Expert, suggested strategies for managing jealousy in relationships, in her recent Instagram post.

1. Observation and acceptance: Practice observation and acceptance of jealous feelings. It’s okay to feel those feelings. They are temporary and don’t need to control every emotion you feel. You get to decide the meaning you make of them, how much attention you give to them, and whether or not you act on them.

2. Jealous thoughts and feelings: Thank jealous thoughts and feelings for trying to help and protect you by warning you of a possible betrayal that may cause you pain. Jealous thoughts are trying to help you predict what may happen and prevent you from being surprised. Listen to what they have to say, thank them for their role, and invite them into a dialogue about their place in your life.

3. Recognise your emotions: Consider how you feel when you ruminate, give attention to, and feed jealous thoughts and worry (You probably feel anxious, angry, sad, confused, helpless, miserable, and irritated). Practice choosing where you place your attention. Can you notice jealous thoughts and let them come and go without trying to stop or get rid of them? Can you allow them to just be background noise while you refocus your attention elsewhere?

4. Compartmentalize: Set aside a time every day to think about and feel jealousy (For example, 7- 30pm). If jealous thoughts or feelings come up at any other time, set them aside to deal with during that designated time. You may want to write them down or do a visualization exercise to let them go for the time being. You could also make a room for your jealous thoughts in your mind, and anytime you’re aware of a jealous thought, place it in that room.

5. Consider the worst-case scenario: What if your partner did cheat? What if they did leave you? What if you don’t get what you’re wanting? What does that mean for you? Would you survive? Will you ever be happy or satisfied again? Is it possible that you could find another, even better relationship? Could you make it through and thrive and find meaning and satisfaction in life again?

6. Put things into perspective: Consider alternative interpretations or other ways of looking at the situation. Perhaps you feel jealous because something matters to you. Recognizing the meaning in that allows you to see the importance of that relationship to you.

7. Shift your focus: Practice gratitude and look for the good in your life and your relationship. Focus on what you can do to improve yourself and your relationship rather than focusing on what the other person is doing. Be generous with your love.

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