Laura Whitmore: ‘Rough sex is not an excuse to get away with murder’

As part of her new three part documentary series on ITV, Laura Whitmore investigates the rise in rough sex – and its lethal consequences.

Growing up, going to school in a convent in Ireland and being taught sex education by nuns as a teenager, frankly there wasn’t much talk of actual sex at all, let alone talk of rough sex. It wasn’t something I had to think about or was even aware of. We were more concerned that even looking at a boy could get you pregnant (!) and myself and my friends pretty much avoided talking about sex at all times. Looking back now, I really wish I’d had more open conversations about all of this.

But that was over two decades ago and since then, teenage sex conversations and the big concerns that come with them have changed and progressed beyond all recognition; as have conversations about sex in the media and online. But alongside this, images of rough sex and BDSM have bombarded popular culture.

Young men (and women) learn about what sex looks like from porn, readily available 24/7 on the internet, films and television shows such as Fifty Shades of Grey or this year’s The Idol. The hit HBO show, from Euphoria creator Sam Levinson, used Sadism and Masochism in its barefaced effort to seem cool and subversive.

At the end of the first episode, Jocelyn, the lead female played by Lily-Rose Depp is asphyxiated during sex so much that she almost loses consciousness until the male character played by The Weeknd, cuts an air hole with a knife and she gasps for breath.

We are bombarded with images and videos such as this, of women being used and abused and, what’s more, apparently enjoying it.

BDSM (meaning bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism) is sex that involves some type of power play for added excitement and pleasure. Think whips, chains, cuffs, and restraints. But for some people, BDSM can also involve asphyxiation, or choking, which can create power dynamics in the bedroom, which those participating can find really sexy. Giving someone permission to choke you—or vice versa—is allowing the two of you to take on dominant and submissive roles in bed. This rough sex is something many yearn for in sex and receive pleasure and endorphins from.

BDSM is now a booming multi- billion-pound business that’s growing year on year. During the pandemic sales of bondage kits in the UK rose a whopping 97% and Google searches for “what is BDSM?” were up by 70%.

It’s sold as playtime for adults, but does this seemingly harmless fun have a dark side? Yes, it very much does.

As people in this country become more adventurous in the bedroom, there are worrying reports of a simultaneous rise in sexual violence. The highest ever number of rapes within a 12 month period was recorded by police in England & Wales last year. Charges were brought in just 3.7% of those cases. In a 2020 survey of men under 40 by the BBC, more than a third said they choked a woman during sex and nearly a quarter admitted doing it without any discussion beforehand. Choking is not a taboo subject with a lot of my friendship groups casually dropping the term when talking about dating experiences.