DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend asked me to drive her across town to a medical appointment. I did not say no, but told her I really don’t like to drive across town, especially through downtown.
She got mad and said she would ask a neighbor.
She has held a grudge for months now, and several times she has mentioned that she’s buying something for someone who helped her out. She comments on “what good friends she has” who will “do anything for her.” I feel this is a dig at me.
The other day, she said, “I won’t ever ask you to do anything again because you told me no.” We then had an argument and are no longer speaking.
Am I wrong? Should I apologize?
GENTLE READER: It is likely not the fact that you said no, but the casual manner with which you effectively said “I don’t feel like it” that your friend found so offensive.
Miss Manners is not encouraging you to lie, only that it is unnecessary to disclose the entire insulting truth. She wishes that she could persuade her Gentle Readers to stop “just being honest” and to start using the phrase, “I am afraid that I can’t.” Unnecessarily hurt feelings are so often the result of the former.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a voice-enabled speaker, and for the most part, it is a useful delight throughout the day. But I do have one gripe, to which I cannot find a resolution.
It used to be that when the timer alert went off, I could say “thank you” and hear some variant of “you’re welcome” in return, and then the alert would stop. Now I still hear the “you’re welcome,” but the alert continues.
I have searched for a solution online and found nothing. It feels so much less polite, not to mention less friendly, that I must say “stop.”
I realize that you are not tech support. But can you please help?
GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners shares your frustration, she remains conflicted about the need to be polite to robots (she feels no remorse about hanging up on them, for example).
But she agrees that when it is one’s constant companion — and particularly in the presence of children — such devices should be treated with civility. She therefore adds her hope that the people in charge of programming these things can find more polite ways for us to converse. And while they’re at it, perhaps they can find a more polite way of getting a device’s attention than yelling “Hey!”
In the meantime, you can always add a “please” to your “stop.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often eat at restaurants alone, and I enjoy the solitude. However, strangers at a nearby table will often start conversations with me, wanting to keep talking throughout my entire meal.
Is there a polite way to tell them I’m not interested in chit-chatting with them?
GENTLE READER: Bring a book, which has a heavier presence than a telephone. And then when you are ready to end the conversation, smile and say that you must get back to it. Even, Miss Manners suggests, if its pages are blank.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to lick your fingers while eating fried chicken in public?
GENTLE READER: Only if you are endorsing it on television.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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