DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to a death anymore?
We are part of a group of 12 couples who regularly enjoy potlucks and other outings together. We are also getting to an age where the death of a parent is not rare.
Several years ago, one group member started collecting money every time there was a death among the immediate family of someone in our group. She used the funds towards gifts for those in mourning such as restaurant gift cards, tennis-related items, a new golf club and certificates for massages.
I feel awkward, as I try to ensure I am appropriately sharing my condolences with the bereaved. I do send cards and drop off food.
Is it a cultural obligation to provide more festive tokens to the grieving?
GENTLE READER: Absolutely not.
Miss Manners is aware that many would rather have a celebration of life than a commemoration of death. But that still means celebrating the life of the deceased — not those of their living relatives.
Good friends may hope that those in mourning will return to enjoying life, but an explicit invitation to whoop it up in the form of golf gear and such feels disrespectful. She kindly requests that in the wake of bereavement, condolence letters, food and solemnity continue to prevail.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: You addressed the thorny issue of sending a letter to a lesbian couple who share a last name (the Mses. Jones). Nicely done.
But what of gay male couples with a shared name? “The Mrs. Jones” would seem to miss entirely. “The Mres. Jones” mangles standard English plurals. What to do?
GENTLE READER: The correct plural abbreviation is “Messrs.,” as it could also be “Mesdames” for the ladies. But you could also spell out “The Misters Bob and Thaddeus Jones.”
Miss Manners maintains that abbreviations are not helpful shortcuts if no one knows what exactly they are abbreviating.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my grandkids, but I don’t much enjoy eating dinner with them because they often argue about where they’re going to sit and who they want to sit next to. It feels like a popularity contest, and it doesn’t feel so nice when your grandkids don’t want to sit next to you.
I don’t offer criticism to my grown kids about their parenting, as they are excellent parents. (And even if they weren’t, that wouldn’t be my business anyway.) The kids are generally well-behaved. This dinnertime hassle is an anomaly, but I eat with them about once a week, so it’s a regular occurrence.
The kids are 6, 8 and 11. Of course they’ll gradually grow out of this behavior. Should I just wait it out, or say something about how I feel?
GENTLE READER: Or you could say something about place cards. The children will have fun making them and they can create a system wherein the seating chart rotates and no one feels left out.
While stating such preferences publicly is rude and unpleasant, Miss Manners does admit that the same popularity contest happens when adults are formally seated — it is only polite because it happens quietly behind closed doors.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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