DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two sisters who died too soon, one from cancer and one in a car accident. My remaining sister has said numerous times that she plans to throw herself a huge party when she outlives the young ages they got to.
She is highly competitive, but this is ridiculous. If she brings it up again, is it all right to say something like, “I hope you can find someone to celebrate that with”?
She doesn’t listen to me, and I absolutely would not attend such a tacky event, but I would like a way to give her a clue that we don’t compete with the unfortunate dead.
GENTLE READER: “I am happy to celebrate your birthday, but not if it’s in connection with the untimely death of our sisters. If that’s your intention, please do not include me. I would rather celebrate you and mourn them separately and privately.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a boy in middle school. My mother is a great person, except for one thing: She is always convinced she is right.
If something annoys her, she will explode and go into a rant about how she is the victim and is being horribly mistreated. Anything different or contradictory from her views is simply sour grapes.
I cannot think of a polite way to address this, since she will more than likely launch into a tirade, and also since I’m her son. What would be a polite, respectful thing to say to my mother?
GENTLE READER: “I am so sorry that that happened to you. How should we plot our revenge?”
If she is indeed a great person, she will find the humor in this and realize she has, perhaps, overstated her mistreatment. If not, Miss Manners suggests that you stick to only the first sentence.
The goal is to stay on her good side by showing your loyalty — without implicating yourself in any retaliatory crimes.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a city in which a wide variety of languages are spoken, though I, to my shame and regret, seem genetically predisposed to monolingualism.
Because of our town’s linguistic diversity, I frequently interact with salespeople, restaurant servers, medical professionals and folks in other public-facing occupations for whom English is not their native tongue.
Often, I find it very, very difficult to understand what I’m being told because of the speaker’s accent. I always preface my requests that they repeat themselves with apologies for not knowing their language.
How can I better handle these awkward exchanges to minimize everyone’s discomfort?
GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners encourages worldliness, she also assures you that you do not have to be embarrassed for not knowing every language spoken in your town. But you also do not wish to discourage anyone else’s attempts at mastering yours.
How about this for a solution? Apologize — not for your lack of linguistic mastery, but for your lack of comprehension.
Yes, you will both know what is really happening, but it will come across as much more gracious than awkward — or self-flagellating.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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