DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son’s family and I live in the same town, and we see each other often.
When I am entering their home, my daughter-in-law often says, “Sorry about the messy house” or something similar.
I never know what to say to that, or if I should let it pass without acknowledgment.
When she first came into our lives and began the “messy house” comments, I told her that my house would seldom be in perfect shape either, and that I hoped we wouldn’t worry too much about each other’s houses. I was hoping to take the pressure off and just enjoy being a family.
Since these comments continue, I need guidance. Being silent might seem like agreement that her house is messy, and I’m afraid of offending her by making a clumsy response. Is there a polite way to handle this?
GENTLE READER: “Why, that lazy, no-good son of mine. Do you want me to speak to him? But wait. Now that I look around, he did a pretty good job. It looks fine.”
Miss Manners hopes that your daughter-in-law has a sense of humor, and doubts that she will want to keep feeding you the cue for that speech. In any case, it lets her know that you are not passing judgment on her.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a university professor in my mid-60s, I feel very comfortable with my job.
I find my daily interactions with students refreshing, and enjoy the company of several colleagues in the profession. I have a rich intellectual life. I love what I do and do what I love.
Unless I develop a severe disease, I plan to continue my work until I feel that it is time to stop.
Yet all kinds of people — not only family and friends, but strangers I occasionally chat with on planes — keep asking me why I have not retired. I never ask anybody else about their retirement plans, not even my closest friends.
I keep saying that I have a fulfilling and gratifying job, yet people insist. Is there a better answer?
GENTLE READER: “When you retire, you are probably going to want to pass on your wisdom to the next generation. I am lucky enough to do that for a living. Why should I stop?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are elbows still not allowed on dinner tables, fancy or otherwise?
GENTLE READER: The ban should be maintained, if only because of the wonderful phrase traditionally used to enforce it: “All joints on the table will be carved!” parents would bellow at offending children. It made such an impression that even today, people sprawled over tables have heard of the rule.
Many even exaggerate the rule, applying it to all times and all tables, whereas it is only meant to prevent that ugly posture of eating with a hand that lowers itself from above like a derrick tearing up a street.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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