Miss Manners: How can these strangers think this is an OK question?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave birth to my son at age 39. He is biracial, and we don’t look exactly alike.

Since he was an infant, complete strangers have approached me to ask how we are related, with no prior conversation or interaction. The question is, invariably, “Hi, is that your grandson?”

Most of the time, I say with a straight face and in a monotone, “No, he is my son.” But I resent having to explain to complete strangers how I am related to the child I am with.

Since when is it OK to be this forward with complete strangers? I don’t understand why they care. Is there a better way to communicate that their question is rude and intrusive, as well as not provide them with the requested information?

GENTLE READER: “Sorry — I’m teaching him not to talk to strangers. I’m sure you understand how important that is these days.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my biggest pet peeves is when I’m using a public restroom and someone comes in while having a conversation on their phone — sometimes even on speakerphone — while we’re doing our business.

It always makes me so uncomfortable because I don’t want to be broadcast to the other person’s friend. Is there a way to politely ask them to save the conversation for later, or should I just mind my business?

GENTLE READER: No matter how many times Miss Manners pleads to be spared bathroom problems, they keep on coming.

All right. Your noises are unlikely to be picked up on speakerphone. But if you are still fussed, you can call out, as if issuing a friendly warning about privacy, “We can hear you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged man, and I live in a fairly traditional area. Thus, when holding doors for women, I have never been rebuffed. However, awkwardness occurs when a lady holds the door for me — particularly at work, with a locked door you need to swipe a card to access.

I am not above simply entering and saying “thank you” — there is no imagined slight at my masculinity. However, I do feel the urge to hold the door, and have many times offered to swap places with the lady. I do so with an inviting, open-palmed hand motion and a “please.”

How should I gracefully swap holding the door? If I hold the door with my body on the inside, it leads to an uncomfortable proximity as she enters. I am tall, but if I reach over the women, it seems rude. If there is not room enough on the outside to pivot behind and pick up the slack, the door will shut on them.

Should I just enter with a warm “thank you”?

GENTLE READER: Yes. If you keep dancing around like that, everyone is going to be late to work.

Miss Manners is relieved that neither you nor the ladies to whom you defer see this as a political issue. “Ladies first” is an anachronistic, but still charming, social custom. She trusts that you would hold the door for anyone else coming after you.

But in a work context, you should not be making a conspicuous show of gender differences.

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