DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is dating a young man who I could believe had been raised in a barn. He has no manners.
As an example, when he has eaten at our house, he has said that what I serve “isn’t enough” and that I need to provide more (two hamburgers instead of one, for example, or bigger steaks than the ones we eat). I was shocked and let my daughter know that he is incredibly rude.
My daughter told him that because my husband and I are older parents, from a different generation, we have different rules and expectations for dinner manners.
I was furious when I heard this, and I asked my daughter how she would respond if her children behaved this way in front of a host. That was the only way I knew to get across that bad manners and rudeness are wrong regardless of generation.
I agree that some things have been changed, but this? Am I really just an old relic of the past?
GENTLE READER: Yes, manners apply to all generations, but if what you heard was your daughter calling you old, you are as young as you feel — which, coming from Miss Manners, is not a compliment.
What Miss Manners heard was a polite and clever daughter finding a way to motivate her boyfriend to change his lifelong bad behavior without, herself, being rude — or requiring him to inquire too closely into his own understanding of the world.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I refused to go to a fundraiser this year because the food was so bad last year, and because the cost of the dinner was over and above the donations. I decided, with so many charities to choose from, to donate elsewhere.
My friends disagree and feel that a terrible meal is what should be expected at a fundraiser. I feel it’s disrespectful to the donors. Your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: Although your friends are not alone in their opinion, Miss Manners hopes fundraisers will not rely on such illogical passivity. If the event is not a reward to the donors for their donations, what purpose does it serve — other than to spend some of the money that could have been directed to the organization’s cause?
Either way, you are free to donate, or not, where you choose.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a hugger. I have never enjoyed being subjected to the multitude of hugs that my family, friends, co-workers and sometimes even acquaintances feel are appropriate.
The other day, a friend I met for coffee swooped in for hugs upon greeting and again when saying goodbye.
I am fed up with these huggers. It would be one thing if they paused ahead of time so you could gently divert the hug, but no — they seem to swoop in out of nowhere.
Could you give me some ideas on how to politely avoid these episodes of forced intimacy? The only person I want to hug is my husband.
GENTLE READER: You are in luck. These days, one need only pull back, cough slightly, and apologize that you are not feeling 100%.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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