DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to be the principal of a wonderful school. It is not an exaggeration to say that I receive gifts from children and parents almost daily, partially due to their gratitude that we were in-person during this difficult year.
Spontaneous gifts from children, such as their own personal drawings or sharing of a birthday cupcake, are charming, of course. It is the adult-bought gifts that are the problem.
I love gratitude! But the gifts are misplaced — it is my amazing teachers who deserve these gifts. I have said so in my weekly principal’s column, to no avail.
Ours is a religious school, and my preference would be for a small donation to go to a charity rather than to an item I cannot use and must give away. I had thought about a small yard sale, with the money going to the school, but it would hurt the families if they found out. I cannot even donate the items back to the school for our annual sale for the same reason!
These are wonderful people and I do not wish to hurt their feelings. Nor do I wish to be a curmudgeon. Please help me understand how to word my thank-you notes and what I might do to redirect such kindness without hurting anyone.
GENTLE READER: Educating, as you know, is only half of your job; the other half is working around impediments, be they limited resources, other activities competing for students’ interests, or even a child or parent who is having a less-than-wonderful moment.
Your gift problem is not so different. Miss Manners does not like to think of etiquette as impeding anything, but she agrees that you cannot refuse the gifts or convert them to cash, nor should you hurt parents’ feelings.
A full lesson plan will include the already-printed principal’s column and letters that express gratitude while mentioning that the teachers are the true heroes. It may then be time for a new school rule prohibiting all school managers from accepting gifts — and perhaps the establishment of a volunteer fair where these families may better channel their charitable impulses.
MISS MANNERS: Can you let us know what might be the proper etiquette for who should be included in wedding photos?
I have been to several weddings, in both my own family and my husband’s, and the standards for family photos and videos seem to vary considerably.
Most often, we are the uncles of the bride or groom. While we maintain warm relationships with our family members, we are usually not included in wedding photos — although sometimes we are.
GENTLE READER: It would surprise Miss Manners if you were not caught in any of the wedding photographs, at least in passing, now that wedding photography rivals major commercial films in the trouble it causes.
But she takes it you are referring to set pieces to which family members are summoned. Etiquette is content to have the event live in the memories of those who attended. After that, she insists only that the taking and sharing of photographs be done in a way that offends the fewest number of people. And that the uncles resolve not to feel offended.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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