DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my sister and I go out to dinner, lunch or shopping, she continually includes the waitstaff or salespeople in our outing. She visits with them extensively, becoming “new best friends” almost instantly.
I want to have a nice outing with her, as planned.
She has gone so far as to invite a waiter to sit at our table and order some food. (How this would have worked, I do not know.)
I do not want to visit with strangers at any time, and certainly not at the expense of our visit. I have asked her to stop this behavior, without luck. What to do?
GENTLE READER: “Before we go in, are there any new friends who will be likely to join us? I hope not. I did so look forward to spending time just with you.” Miss Manners imagines the staff will be relieved.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always invite the same friends and neighbors to my annual barbecue, and they always attend.
One neighbor, who is very outspoken, asked if he and his wife could buy pizza and bring it to my gathering.
I replied, “If you don’t like what I have, eat at home before you come.” I feel they should have declined instead.
This same neighbor has made comments about my food before, yet everyone else has praised it and thanked me.
Was I rude in responding as I did, since I felt he was insulting me? I haven’t had a response since.
GENTLE READER: It is only your blunt outspokenness, not your reaction, with which Miss Manners finds fault. (She seems to recall that you did not much like that quality coming from your neighbor.)
Allow her to translate what you said into something more polite:
“I am sorry that you do not find any of my food edible, but I am afraid that that is what I am serving. If it does not suit you, perhaps you will be able to find a better alternative before you come.” A change in tone and the addition of a few niceties go a long way toward dulling that outspoken edge.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have spoken with my estranged brother’s children perhaps three times in their lives at family events.
Now, one has sent me a graduation announcement (a printed photo card, no personal note of any kind) — the first communication I have ever received. The envelope was addressed to “Miss Jane Doe and Tony,” although the full name of my husband of 20+ years is well known to the family.
The other nephew sent a wedding announcement in a similar format, which invited me to pray for the couple on their wedding day. (The event was not canceled due to COVID, as the family dismisses such precautions; everyone else was invited to attend.)
If either had actually sent something that seemed they wanted to connect, I honestly would have showered them with gifts. But in these cases, I did not reply. Bad manners on my part?
GENTLE READER: Milestone announcements need only be met with congratulations, Miss Manners assures you. Presents — and prayers — are purely optional.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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