Miss Manners: What can I do when other people’s stuff is where I want to sit?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does etiquette provide guidance on dealing with inanimate objects that are unaccompanied by their owners?

I swim laps daily at a recreation center. In the locker room, there are approximately 100 lockers and just two relatively narrow benches for patrons to utilize as they are changing.

What should I do when the bench is largely occupied by things like empty baby carriers, gym bags, clothes or buckets of toiletries, leaving no place to comfortably change into street clothes? The owners of these objects are usually not even present.

Also, what do you suggest when the objects’ owner is present — and is taking up nearly 100% of the bench with toiletries, suitcases, clothes, etc. — while I am trying to change?

GENTLE READER: It is always better to assume that the person is present so that you do not get accused of theft.

A quick look around — followed by, “Does anyone mind if I move things over a bit so that I can change?” if people are present — is perfectly called for, if you are brave enough to do it.

Miss Manners admits, however, that she might be too shy. Consulting with management to see about posting signs would be more her style. “Please remember that all guests come with baggage” comes to mind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin, at my invitation, has been included in a group of ladies with whom I have been friends for years. One of those friends has started renting my cousin’s garage apartment.

My cousin recently invited me and the friend who rents her apartment to accompany her on a weekend trip to her condo in Florida. When one of our other friends heard that we were going (it didn’t occur to us to keep it a secret), she demanded that we ask my cousin to invite her.

Neither I nor my other friend believed that it was appropriate for us to make this request. The invitation was not ours to give; we were the invitees.

This other friend does not know my cousin very well — they are acquaintances at best — but she is very angry that she was not invited. She has made up her mind that my cousin doesn’t like her and has treated her coldly whenever they have met since.

Were my friend and I wrong not to have asked for this woman to be invited on the trip? And what were we to say if we had asked and been refused?

GENTLE READER: It would not have been polite for you or your friend to invite someone else to your cousin’s condo. And if you had asked your cousin, she would have been put in an awkward position — but with the absolute right to refuse.

If the third friend wants to behave badly toward your cousin, Miss Manners supposes that is her impolite right. But it will certainly ensure that she never gets a future invitation.

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