DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I admired a painting in the home of some friends several years my senior. They appreciated my interest, and told me I could have it when they moved to a smaller home.
After the husband in this couple passed away, his widow asked me what I would like from their home when she moved to a smaller place. I reminded her of my affection for the painting and also asked about a particular chair.
She decided to take both with her to her new home, but said I could have them when she was ready to give them up.
At 95 years of age, my friend may soon not be in a position to remember her offers and may not have discussed them with her two children, both of whom I know. Do good manners provide a polite way to remind my friend or her children of her earlier intentions?
GENTLE READER: No.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s father has been married for a few years to a kind but very high-strung woman. I need help figuring out how to get her out of the kitchen around dinnertime and during meal cleanup.
She insists on trying to “help,” but her anxious nature only makes things more difficult. She comes up to me while I am rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher, puts her face an inch or two from mine and asks how she can help.
She doesn’t seem to understand that she is majorly intruding on my personal space while I am focused on a manual task involving splashing water and sharp utensils.
I have asked her to please sit down, relax and enjoy the evening, and I’ve outright said I would prefer to do things independently in the kitchen.
The other night, I was loading the dishwasher while she was sitting at the dining room table. She yelled my name from across the room and told me, at the top of her voice, to stop cleaning up because she was feeling guilty that she wasn’t helping.
It all feels a bit rude, and it’s not pleasant to have a guest tell you what to do in your own home. I don’t want to dread her visits or feel irritated every time she stays with us, so I’d be grateful for any suggestions you may have for making these occasions more tolerable.
GENTLE READER: Stepmother-in-law needs a handler: a family member whose job for the evening is to keep her distracted and out of your way.
As this is not a pleasant duty, it will have to be rotated. Miss Manners nominates your husband, any older children, your father-in-law — really, anyone who can be made to understand that this task is pleasanter than the alternative.
That alternative includes dinner not getting on the table, the evening dragging on until everyone drops from exhaustion, and you losing your mind.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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