My new neighbors have left me feeling violated

Dear Newsweek, I live in a small home with a fully fenced yard. All but one side has privacy fences. The fence between my house and next door’s property is a wire fence, so my yard is visible to the neighbors. When the new neighbors moved in we introduced ourselves with “over the backyard fence” introductions and after that cordially waved when we saw each other. I don’t, and I doubt they do, remember our respective names.

After they had been there for about a month, I noticed a lawn ornament missing from my backyard. Knowing no one else could have seen this item, I went to ask the neighbor about it. He said that his daughter (older teen) took the item from my yard, dressed it up, and returned it to the yard in a different spot from where I had placed it, thinking it would be funny. I could not see it from my house—it was hidden behind bushes—but that’s not the point. Granted it would have been amusing if I knew them better, but they had only lived there for less than a month and I really had no idea who these people were.

[Am I The A******] for being angry that she trespassed in my yard (with her father’s approval of what she was doing)—not once but twice—and took my property? Although they did return it undamaged that’s not the point. In my mind, they had no right to trespass across clearly marked boundaries, having to enter through a gated fence.

The father apologized but I think he should have also had his daughter come to me and admit what she had done (I was raised to “face the music”). I looked into getting another privacy fence on that side but it’s too expensive at this time. I feel violated and unsafe in my own backyard. In fact, have not used my backyard since. I no longer wave to them or acknowledge them in any way. Thoughts?

Karen, Unknown

Move Forward In Peace, And If It Happens Again, Act More Sternly

Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” as well as “Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Karen, thanks for your note. To answer your question, I don’t think you’re a bad person for initially feeling upset, or for believing the teen should have been guided by her father to apologize personally for her “joke gone wrong.” In fact, I think those parts of your reaction are totally understandable.

On the other hand, it sounds like the father now understands his daughter’s behavior was wrong and he has indicated it won’t happen again—so, while I don’t blame you for initially feeling upset, or for believing the father should have directed his daughter to apologize personally, I do think that maintaining an ongoing stance that you are “unsafe and violated” at this point feels a bit like an overreaction.

In the interest of preserving your own energy and equanimity, it might behoove you to let this pass and move forward in peace. If any similar incident happened again, of course, it would no longer be a one-time occurrence and you might be wise to handle it more sternly—but in the current situation, given the father’s apology and apparent recognition that his daughter was in the wrong, you might be better served to let the incident fade into your rear-view mirror.

I hope this helps, and I hope you get back to enjoying your yard. Time in nature can be an incredible stress reliever!

It’s Important to Communicate With Your Neighbors in a Constructive Way

Altagracia Pierre-Outerbridge is a housing attorney and founder of New York-based law firm Outerbridge Law P.C.

Dear Karen, it’s understandable to feel violated and upset when someone enters your property without your permission, even if they return the item undamaged. It’s important to set boundaries and protect your privacy and property.

You’re not necessarily the “mean person” for being angry about the situation, but it’s important to communicate with your neighbors in a constructive way to resolve the issue. It’s good that the father apologized, but it’s understandable to feel that his daughter should also take responsibility for her actions and apologize directly to you.

If you’re uncomfortable with the wire fence between your properties, it may be worth having a conversation with your neighbors about potentially installing a privacy fence in the future when it’s more financially feasible.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to continue acknowledging your neighbors, but it may be worth trying to communicate with them to establish boundaries and prevent any further misunderstandings or incidents.