No matter what path we take in life, we’re always wondering: ‘Should I have what she has?’

Success sounds amazing (hello, perfect Wordle score), but an uncomfortable study by Warwick University proves how awkward our relationship with it is. Researchers wanted to answer that sticky subject of whether money really makes us happy. So, they studied UK households over seven years, comparing how income affected happiness. You would predict that bigger salary = bigger smile at the ASOS checkout on payday. What they actually found was that salary didn’t really matter – something more icky and egotistical did. People were only happy when they earned more than friends and colleagues of a similar age and gender. No matter how fat the figure on their payslip, it was one-upmanship against people they knew that made them feel good. 

It’s a dark thought, but don’t feel bad if you’ve gone there. Being pitted against one another is a habit ingrained early. At school, success is getting better marks, winning sports day or making the art that gets shown off on the wall. By the time you’re out on your own, you’re conditioned to crave visible markers of having ‘won’: a promotion you can flag on LinkedIn, an engagement ring, hosting multiple birthday parties to post on Instagram. 

“Mid-to-late 20s are a surge point for this comparison,” says psychotherapist Hannah Martin, founder of Talented Ladies Club, a resource of career training courses. “As you near your 30s, people are settling down and careers are cementing. If you haven’t ‘found’ yourself or your vocation, it’s easy to compare yourself unfavourably with those who appear to have made it.” Comparison particularly stings with friends from school or uni, because you started out in the same place, with similar resources. 

Lydia, a 33-year-old freelance product designer who’s worked in London, Edinburgh and her small hometown in Suffolk, believes it’s made worse by society’s constant critique of where you’re at. “You grow up getting told that you can have it all, but you can’t be everything. You have to pick a path, which usually means moving to the city for opportunities and adventure, or staying put to build roots,” she describes.

Whatever your choice, there’s a label. “Pick the city and you’re too ambitious or idealistic; stay home and you’re too timid. You’re either mocked for living frivolously or like a teenager, or written off as ‘settled’, code for boring. So, instead of feeling great about your individual wins, such as having a job with travel, you’re pushed to dwell on where you fall short against these really old-fashioned markers, like having a husband or a ‘proper’ job.”  

Harder still, is that the talent pool to pit your progress against has never been larger. For older generations, comparison was reserved to people physically nearby – cue your mum curtain-twitching to see next door’s new car. “Today, peers are everyone you follow on social media: friends, acquaintances, influencers, celebrities,” Martin explains. “Millennials have grown up seeing stars made overnight on X Factor, and influencers, who started out just like them, now living like millionaires. The gap between working hard and earning very little, and working very little and earning a lot, appears tiny and easily bridgeable if you are lucky enough.”