Parenting The Disappointed College Applicant

Amid the holiday cheer and joyous anticipation, mid December often triggers a different kind of stomach churning: the arrival of early admissions decisions. Unfortunately, the positive news that is coming for some will be matched by significant disappointment for others. This can be a difficult time for young people as they dream of their future, and consider their worth and place in the world. It is also a challenging time for the parents and supporters of applicants who want the best for their students, but cannot “fix” the discouragement of being denied admission.

It is hard to know how to lessen the sting when we as adults may also be trying to make sense of our child being denied. I have learned a great deal from watching this play out for thousands of families over the years. I also asked my colleagues in admission, who are making the decisions (and many who have had the experience with their own children), to share their thoughts. Fellow parents, consider the following tips:

Prepare thoughtfully. Do not wait until the decision is known to talk about what it will mean, or how your student is feeling. If they are willing, have a conversation about the potential outcomes and reiterate your pride and love for them and all they are. This may seem obvious but sometimes it helps to hear it out loud. Talking about the possibility of being denied or deferred beforehand can help to prepare them for whatever news is to come. Thyra Briggs, vice president for admission and financial Aid at Harvey Mudd College says, “I’ve always loved how the former dean of studies at Sarah Lawrence College handled student requests. She would ask students “What would you do if I said no?” Students often surprised themselves by having a fairly well-thought-out plan.” Briggs adds, “I’ve always thought parents or counselors should ask early decision students this question to show students how many backup plans they already had and that idea of a viable alternate path was already there.” As with everything admission related, don’t overdo it. Excessive discussion about the pending decision will likely raise their already elevated anxiety. Read the room!

It’s their decision. Colleges deliver admission decisions in different ways. Many release the news via online portals, and others through direct email. There are even some schools that still rely on the old standard of a physical letter that arrives in one’s mailbox (and only because the Pony Express no longer operates). Regardless of the way the decision lands, allow your student to choose when, where, and how they check. They might want to discover the outcome alone in their room, surrounded by friends, or with family by their side. Ask about their preference and honor their wishes. Remember, this is not about you.

Control what you can control. Letting go of perceived control can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. Unfortunately, sometimes uncertainty and our growing lack of agency over our children’s future get funneled into the admission experience as a last-ditch effort to cling on. Vern Granger is the director of undergraduate admissions at the University of Connecticut and the president of the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC). He explains that a denial of admission “often leads to students feeling there must be something wrong with them, or the school thinks they are not capable of doing the work.” Parents wonder what could have been done differently. Granger explains that “universities will consider factors such as capacity and building a class to institutional mission, which can impact whether someone receives admission to a university.” He adds, “I am a believer there is not one institution that is a perfect fit, but rather many can provide a student with the learning environment and experiences they are looking for. Ultimately, I try to get students and families to focus on what they have control over instead of an admission decision which is outside of their control.”

Karen Richardson, dean of admission and financial aid at Princeton University agrees, telling parents to “remind your child that not being admitted to a particular school is not a reflection on their ability to be successful in college. There are so many factors that go into building a class and, often, there is an overabundance of talented applicants–many of whom could be successful at a given college or university.” She adds, “while it’s disappointing in the moment, know that they will find a place that is a great fit.”

Pause and listen. It is tempting to want to react and comfort. When our child scrapes their knee, we want to stop the bleeding. Admission is different, even if our instincts are the same. Few denied students want to immediately launch into a “plan B” or get advice and questions about their next steps. Allow the bleeding to stop before you try to stitch up the wound. Adam Sapp, interim vice president & dean of admissions and financial aid at Pomona College, says, “many parents see themselves as real partners, sidekicks trying to help their student put their best foot forward.” He explains, “I meet so many parents every year who already know how to play the role of sidekick well—so if your student is denied, my advice is to keep doing what you do best. Moms and Dads usually have big, strong shoulders, don’t be afraid to let your kid use those shoulders for a bit once they get the news of a denial.” Sapp adds, “remember to listen more than you talk, encourage your student more often than you direct them. Your young person needs encouragement right now, so do your best to keep up the positive energy that they may be struggling to muster.” Don’t rush into a solve-it mode, give it time.

Don’t compare. It can add to the despair. Sometimes in our effort to comfort our children, it is tempting to either draw parallels or contrast to other applicants or an older sibling. Making assumptions or projections about why a classmate might have been admitted is not helpful. Michael Pina, director of admission at the University of Richmond, warns parents to “avoid talking about what happened this year or last year to other students.” He adds, “Your children want you to be happy and proud of them, and this exacerbates the problem.”

Allow for loss (theirs and yours). Harvey Mudd College’s Briggs says, “Let your child be sad and recognize the decision as a loss–a loss of what they thought their plans were, or how they thought this process would go. And with any loss comes a process of moving through it.” She adds, “it’s OK for parents to take a moment to be sad as well and even share that with their child, providing that the child knows that the sadness is in solidarity with them and not because of them.”

The good, the bad, and the ugly. If your child gets good news and is admitted to college, celebrate. If they receive multiple acceptances, be mindful of your reactions and celebrate equally. They will internalize subtle signals from you about which acceptances you are more or less excited about, so try not to show your hand. If the news is bad, over time help reframe the outcome around opportunity. Pomona’s Sapp advises, “do your best to be a cheerleader and supporter for all those new places that your student is now imagining where they could enroll.” Finally, if your student is deferred (the ugly), reinforce that–while disappointing–this can also be a positive result. Make sure they are proactive with any follow-up necessary and that, in addition to remaining hopeful, they get excited about the other colleges on their list.

Whether you are managing your child’s disappointment or your own (maybe both), keep things in perspective. College admission is not fair, nor was it designed to be. A denial can be a powerful learning opportunity and an important part of their journey forward. The path to college is not always linear. Though it might be hard to see our children hurt, all they need is our unconditional love and support as they find their way forward.