Real Housewives of Orange County: Eating in the sauna is NOT a thing

Let’s all take a moment to thank “The Real Housewives of Orange County” for Housewife Emily Simpson.

Not only was she the star of Wednesday’s episode, but Emily managed to bust out a footlong turkey sub in the sauna to the amazement of Housewives Heather Dubrow and Jen Armstrong.

Auras and chakras and assorted woo-woo wah-wah bookend this week’s episode. Housewife Heather Dubrow and daughter Max open the show with a visit to the Chakra Shack(!) to have their auras photographed. (Apparently even an iPhone 13 Pro Max selfie can’t do this.)

Max, at 17 is way more chill than her mom, who freaks a little when she sees her aura.

“A messy, blobby aura? That’s not cute!” Heather frets.

Even so, Heather books a digital aura reading station for the book release party she’s planning for Max, whose book with coauthor Dr. Judy Ho, “I’ll Give It to You Straightish: What Your Teen Wants You to Know,” arrived in November.

Over at Housewife Noella Bergener’s pad, Rihanna the dog has swapped the fluffy pink sweater of the previous episode for a sleeveless cream minidress with appliqued roses this week. Gina stops by for a glass of rosé spritzer and a bucket of commiserating with Noella.

Noella may be feeling down, but she’s gonna make sure Riri the wee doggie still looks her best.

Meanwhile, Heather has sprung for a spa day for Emily and Jen, who discusses some stress in her relationship with husband Ryne. Emily, who said she’d experienced her own marital troubles, urged Jen to work it all out with Ryne.

“Because what are you going to do?” Emily told the camera in confessional. “Nobody dates 45-year-old women with kids in Orange County. You’d have to move.”

The sauna, which is set to 155 degrees, starts to get to Emily, who says she feels faint and stands to retrieve something from her purse.

“Are you eating a sandwich?” Heather asks.

“Yeah, is that wrong?” Emily replies.

“We’re detoxing!” Heather answers.

“Why does she have a turkey sub in her purse?” Heather later says to the camera. “You don’t eat in a sauna. It’s not a thing!”

The rest of the show takes place at the book release party for Max, who seems like a really well-adjusted kid despite being on a reality TV show.

Friend Nicole James arrives with a crystal-covered gold-colored purse in the shape of one of those massive Motorola brick-sized mobile phones, and as you would expect, it’s a topic of conversation.

“This is amazing!” Gina says of the accessory that based on a quick online search appears to sell for just under $6,000.

“It’s like a fancy Zack Morris situation,” she adds, calling on that “Saved By The Bell” trivia that only the youngest Housewife on the show would likely know.

Emily sips a drink, and then she spills the news to Noella of a girls’ trip planned by Heather to Cabo San Lucas to which Noella has not been invited.

Emily gets a fresh tequila and flirts a little with the 27-year-old bartender, talking about how hot she was at 27. (A photo the show flashes on-screen that confirms her memory.)

Emily appears to well in her cups when she begins critiquing one of Jen’s relationships.

“I have seen where this conversation tends to lead,” Gina says, as she rushes over to pull Emily away while she’s still a happy tippler. “I don’t want to end the night having a Hulk moment.”

Note: For those keeping score, there is no charcuterie, sad, indifferent or otherwise, in this episode.