When we grow up in dysfunctional homes, we start to fear rejections. The fear of conflicts and separation creeps inside us from an early age. Hence, when we grow up, we strive for meaningful connections that will stay with us for long. However, this fear of losing people from our lives often makes us go to lengths to save the connections and please everyone around us, convincing them to stay. “Most of us want to belong and form lasting bonds with other people. And we find it very painful to be rejected or criticised by others. We fear being alone and that being alone means we’re inadequate or unlovable. So, we go to extreme lengths to please others to avoid rejection or abandonment or being alone,” wrote Therapist Lalitaa Suglani.
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Lalitaa further added that while caring for the needs and expectations of others is not a bad thing, we should be careful to also prioritise ourselves. We often make others the priority and end up breaking our own boundaries. “Society is built on norms and values, some of which are essential to maintaining harmony among diverse groups of people. It is when it becomes part of your makeup and causes you to limit yourself and prioritise everyone else,” she further added. Here are a few reasons why we may identify ourselves as people-pleasers:
Fear being judged: We often fear that if we talk about our own needs, wants and expectations, we will be judged for it and be called unreliable. Hence, we learn to not speak about it.
Fear of saying no: We shed our boundaries because we are scared that if we say no, we will be judged for it.
Fear of disappointing others: The fear of making others disappointed makes us not have boundaries.
Fear of making mistakes: We take in more work than we can handle, and then we have the intense fear that we will end up making mistakes.
Fear of rejection: We fear that we will be rejected by others – that’s what makes us push ourselves to extreme lengths to please others.
Compassion: We are careful of the way others are feeling, we are empathetic and kind.
Over-responsibility: We feel that everyone needs our help, and we try to take up a lot of responsibilities.
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