Simran Mangharam discusses how love survives a medical crisis in With Love

For 25 years, Shalini says, her marriage was “normal”. When their sons were born, the couple’s lives changed more dramatically than they had accounted for, but they took it in their stride. Amid her diagnosis and treatment, however, she found herself at odds with her husband’s reaction. He just wouldn’t acknowledge what she was facing.

When she first received the diagnosis, he rushed home from a business trip. They sought out the best treatment. She underwent surgery, chemotherapy, reconstruction of her breasts, and he was always by her side.

But through the treatment, his attitude was almost casual, she says. He would order food from different restaurants near the hospital, turning it into a kind of get-together when friends visited. He had shown more concern and sensitivity when she had viral fevers in the past.

Meanwhile, as the cancer treatment ravaged her body, her self-esteem suffered. She lost her hair, lost weight, large scars appeared on her body. She stopped wanting to dress up or go anywhere.

Shalini knew how much it had meant to her husband that they were an enviably fit and good-looking couple. She had taken great pride in how they looked too. Now, she wanted her husband to tell her none of that mattered. Instead, he encouraged her to dress up. As her sense of insecurity and inadequacy grew, they added to the physical pain she was in and the sense of loneliness she felt.

Three months have passed since Shalini’s treatment ended. She feels more like her old self now. For her husband, this phase is already receding into memory. But she doesn’t want to let it go. She believes it has revealed a gap in their relationship that they must bridge.

In retrospect, she realises that her husband probably underplayed her disease as part of a defence mechanism. As we talk about this, Shalini admits that the most likely alternative — a husband who was shattered and morose — would have been worse. But she wants him to acknowledge that he could have shown more empathy.

I have to agree with her there. Because, when we promise in our wedding vows to stand by each other when the going gets tough, that’s only part of the answer. What we do as we stand there matters. Are we holding the ailing loved one’s hand or trying to yank them in a direction more comfortable for us? Are we leaning on each other through dark times, or pretending to see a light that isn’t there yet?

It’s harder to navigate a trial of this kind because there are no easy answers. A good thumb rule to follow is that the ailing person must be allowed to formulate their response to their situation. For some, the answer will lie in unbridled positivity. For others, articulating their fear is vital.

A common mistake partners make in such a time is to act around the ailing person as they would want others to act around them. This is a natural but error-prone approach. In cases of extreme suffering involving a loved one, the question to ask is never: What would I want in their place? It’s: What do they really need from me right now?

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])