Sorry, Zelda. You’re Not The Sexiest Tears Of The Kingdom Character Anymore

Ha! Caught you red-handed! Thought you found a little risqué clickbait, eh? Well, the jokes on you, because this is Dualshockers, not some salacious men’s mag from the early 2000s. We’re classy—most of us—and we’re all reasonably decent human beings who focus on the issues that matter. It’s hurtful that you’d treat this feature as anything other than a very insightful and mature assessment of a fictional character. And yeah, I did use the word “sexiest”, but only because it’s the appropriate adjective for speaking the gods-honest truth.

Throughout the Zelda franchise, few females have been introduced that can outshine the eponymous princess. Oh sure, we’ve got Ocarina of Time’s Saria, Ruto, and Malon and Twilight Princess’ Midna, but it wasn’t until Breath of the Wild that Link suddenly found himself surrounded by more than a few eligible ladies with noticeable improvements in…graphics. Here, we’re first introduced to the oldest living Sheikah, Purah, stuck in a child’s body (and no, this is not the sexy version of her) due to experimentation with an anti-aging Rune. A mere six years later though, in Tears of the Kingdom, that 124-year-old “kid” is now a 20-something bombshell.

After Captain Hoz’s recommendation to seek out Purah, I arrived at Lookout Landing with no expectations. Cool, a nice little compound with a huge telescope and civil folk. However, when I ascended the steps to Purah’s room, there was something cinematic, almost textbook, about the entire affair. A few seconds of an unseen ruckus behind the closed door and then BAM, the camera pans up two long legs to reveal a full-grown woman, panting and disheveled. Now, I can’t be sure that Nintendo didn’t intend any of this re-introduction to be suggestive, but it hit me like a ton of bricks anyway.

She was a handful from the start—pointing at me, demanding answers, calling me “Linky”. With her platinum hair in a type of geisha bun, she removed her mechanical glasses to reveal doe-brown eyes and a youthful face. It was borderline flirtatious to a degree that I completely forgot about my main mission, which was to rescue the same princess that I’d been saving for hundreds of years. What in the name of Hylia was happening to me?

As we’re all adults, let’s not kid ourselves here. Throughout the history of games, fans have swooned over video game babes for decades. I was there when Cammy was warmly welcomed into the Street Fighter canon, and Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft made it hard for anyone with a Playstation to control their controller. Thanks to online forums and communication platforms, fan-made content related to players’ digital dream gals has taken on a new life, which, honestly, get pretty bizarre at times. Moreover, the idea of what’s deemed as attractive or “sexy” is continually up for debate.

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Take Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu. Who knew that a giant elegant vampire antagonist could rouse up so many conflicting emotions? Based off of an interview on LGBTQ-centric site The Pink News, a former dominatrix states that, apparently, a significant number of players fell hard for this humongous, yet irresistible bloodsucker and have an insatiable desire to be…stepped on by her. While my first impulse is a solid “eesh”, then again, who am I to judge? As a kid, I remember having a massive crush on both Wynona Ryder and Jessica Rabbit (please save all comments until the end). We’ve all got our thing, and no matter how arbitrary your infatuation may seem, there’s probably a Reddit channel about it already.

Now before you get all sanctimonious on me here, understand that A.) I don’t want Purah to trample me underfoot and B.) I was a perfect gentleman around her. How could you not be? She’s a spunky genius who’s basically discovered the Fountain of Youth. Not only that, but Tears of the Kingdom seems to hinge around her in multiple aspects. Throughout the entire game, her resources are fundamental in making your way across Hyrule. For one, the Purah Pad is pretty much your best friend. You’re constantly using it up to update your map, check the adventure log, view your album, or brush up on TotK’s character profiles. After your little meet-cute at Lookout landing, Purah gifts you the paraglider, which is indispensable for traversing the Sky Islands as well as most mountainous areas. Besides her technical contributions, Purah single-handedly sends you off on the four Regional Phenomena Main Quests that subsequently bring you into contact with the game’s sages and four temples. Some woman, huh?

I realize that it may seem blasphemous to claim that any woman in the series is more attractive than Zelda, but let’s face it, Zelda is royalty, which dictates a certain decorum that must always be upheld. That kind of thing feels way too stiff for me. I’d even have reservations about the perfectly-tanned Gerudo Riju (she’d literally crush your windpipe if you forgot her birthday). Nah, it’s gotta be Purah. That sassy, sexy scientist checks all the boxes. Maybe I’m just attracted to beautiful brainiacs who’re way smarter than me. Then again, it’s not hard to be, especially when I’m playing Tears of the Kingdom.

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