The Harry and Meghan Podcasts We’ll Never Get to Hear

The Meghan Markle and Prince Harry content farm is facing contradictory supply and demand challenges. On the one hand, Netflix is reportedly threatening that the couple had better come up with some more shows, or $51 million comes off the table. On the other, Spotify has found that the 12 episodes of Markle’s podcast, Archetypes, were 10 episodes too many (the Serena Williams and Mariah Carey interviews were blockbusters, but after that: crickets). And—in a mutual decision! mutual!—it has cut the couple loose from their $20 million deal. Together, the news stories formed a classic example of the macroeconomic principle of too much, too little, too late.

In rapid response to the Netflix needling came word that the couple was working on a possible prequel to Great Expectations, centered on the life of a young Miss Havisham. It was exactly the kind of project you could imagine them dreaming up and an improvement, perhaps, on one of Harry’s earlier pitches, “Jude the Obscure, but in Vegas.”

We learned, too, of a private humiliation: Markle had composed a heartfelt and deeply personal letter inviting Taylor Swift on her show, but received only a rejection from her staff. News also broke of some ideas for podcasts that Harry was reportedly considering making, including talking with the pope about “religion,” and with Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump about their childhood.

A list of other possible subjects, its authenticity not confirmed, was leaked by the couple or possibly by the Prince and Princess of Wales, or perhaps it was found at the end of a California writer’s garden. Here they are:

Meghan’s Content Ideas

Armed Vulnerability: How 24-Hour Private Security Can Make You More Open to Feelings

Two Girls Talking: Meghan and Gwyneth Get Real About Italian Vogue

SCOTUS SHOT CLOCK: Alan Dershowitz, Gloria Allred, and Dua Lipa Explain Why Justice Brandeis Believed in the ‘Right to Be Let Alone’

Suits Reunion, Part 1

This Candle Smells Like My Prenup

Centering Yourself When Others Are Centered on You: Finding Peace on the Red Carpet

Suits Reunion, Part 2, with Hoda Kotb

The Grandmother Was Extra

Red Scare Booked Taylor Swift, and I’m Not Taking Calls

He Spends Two Days on the Witness Stand to Talk About … Chelsy Davy?

Hoda Kotb Canceled. Unbelievable.

What Mothers of Ordinary Children Might Feel: A Four-Part Scientific Investigation

Amy Schumer (scheduling conflict)

SCOTUS SHOT CLOCK: Kelly Clarkson and Former Princess Tessy of Luxembourg discuss Marbury v. Madison and Louis Vuitton’s Keepall 55

What I’d Really Like to Do Is a 12-Episode Single-Camera Mockumentary That Showcases My Comedy Skills

Brainstorming With Andrew Morton and Martin Bashir

Beyond Green Juice

Montecito Solutions to the Housing Crisis (It’s All About Zoning)

Cutting Out the Chelsy Davy Pages From 500,000 Copies of Spare

Suits Reunion Wrap-Up, With NBC4 News Los Angeles Anchor Colleen Williams (confirmed)

How to Talk So Matrimonial Lawyers Will Listen

The People’s Duchess?

Harry’s Content Ideas

Animals

Tall Things and Short Things Ruined by Climate Change

Slacks

Conversations With Obama (if available)

Conversations With Tony Blair (if no Obama)

Conversations With Liz Truss (confirmed)

“Mediocrity”: What Is It and How Do You Spell It?

I Think I’m Still in Love With Chelsy Davy

Are My Bed, Bath & Beyond Coupons Worthless?

I Still Have Chelsy’s Diamond Earrings

If You like Piña Coladas

Trey Parker and Matt Stone Can Bite Me

Chris Martin Acoustic Set (maybe with the pope?)

I’m Trapped

Ukraine: Where Is It?

Can a Listener Please Get Me Out of Here?

Coping With Princess Fucking Michael of Kent

I’m Tired of the Chickens

How to Write a Book By Yourself

I Want to Go Home