The Real Housewives of Orange County: They’re on a boat! And one’s gonna jump!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started with six of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,”  aboard this tiny ship.

No, the Housewives did not run aground on some uncharted desert isle on this week’s episode. And their booze cruise around Newport Harbor probably wasn’t more than a three-hour tour.

Though by the end, when housewives Tamra Judge and Shannon Storms Beador started shouting at each other – You’re the liar! No, you’re the liar! You’re the drunk! No, you’re the drunk! – it sure felt like it would never end.

In that squall, I’m Team Tamra, at least at the point where she threatened to jump overboard, though unlike Tamra I think I could have climbed onto the railing of the yacht without needing my underpants pixelated for the viewers at home.

The trip was not supposed to go this week. Housewife Gina Kirschenheiter had planned it as a pink-themed seafaring soiree. Pink outfits – like a flamingo, she explained – were mandatory. Then Gina came down with COVID, and as awful as that is, she at least missed the endless Tamra and Shannon drama.

You’ll recall that on the season premiere a week earlier, Tamra and Shannon kicked off Season 17 with a fresh feud over old slights: Who was there or not there for the other in their time of need? (I know, who cares, right?) But the Housewives are like rappers in that way – they love a good beef – and the sore feelings spilled over into the second episode on Wednesday as these two senior members of the cast continued to argue about … nothing much really.

Early in the episode, they met in a restaurant to hash out their differences. It’s tense, stiff. Tamra orders champagne. Shannon only water, which you know is a bad sign.

“You started attacking me publicly, saying I was a fake friend,” Shannon says.

“Well, you are a fake friend,” Tamra replies.

“You labeled me neurotic, crazy, drunk,” Shannon adds.

They agree to see if they can move forward together and find a way to heal their friendship. Shannon orders a Belvedere vodka and soda. Tamra leaves before the waiter brings the drink.

Later, on the yacht, things are no better. Tamra asks new Housewife Jenn Pedranti to tell the truly heartwarming story of how she adopted her fifth child after having four biological kids. Jenn is maybe two sentences in when Shannon, like a dog seeing a squirrel, loudly interrupts her because she thinks she has seen her boyfriend’s adult son on a passing boat.

Jenn and Tamra roll their eyes as Housewife Heather Dubrow, normally calm and collected, keeps knocking over her own drinks, first a champagne flute that spills into Tamra’s lap – she did not call it her lap – and later a shot glass which flies out of her hand and shatters on the deck.

Taylor Armstrong is also on the yacht, having joined the cast this season as an official friend of the Housewives, and thus, by making one small step from “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” becomes the first Housewife in recorded history to make the giant leap from one branch of the franchise to another (or so we’re told).

At some point, the Housewives have cruised enough booze that Emily starts to pester the hired help, namely, bartender Gilligan, excuse me, Eddie. “You still have your shirt on,” she shouts as he delivers another round. “What’s going on?”

Eddie promises he’ll deliver the next round of tequila shots shirtless, though Eddie fails to come through on that promise to the chagrin of viewers if not the Housewives who by this point have moved onto the main event between Shannon and Tamra.

As Emily tries to get Tamra to consider just moving on, Tamra gets louder and louder, so much so that Shannon can hear her loudly suggest that Shannon do something quite inappropriate with a duck as far as Tamra is concerned.

“You’re a liar!” Tamra yells. “You’re a liar, liar, liar, liar, liar” – at some point, we lost count –”oh my God, I’m going to jump overboard.”

Go right ahead, Shannon replies. “Have another drink,” she adds.

“(Bleep) you and your drinking, you alcoholic,” Tamra replies.

“You’re the drunk,” Shannon answers.

And on that low note, the episode ends.

Other highlights outside the Great Tamra-Shannon Debate included:

• The return of the charcuterie board! You’ll recall that last season these tasty platters of preserved meats, cheeses, olives and the like became quite the thing for our housewives. When Emily, Jenn and Gina meet for drinks, we got our first charcuterie cutie of the season.

• Speaking of which, while Jenn and Emily ordered an espresso martini and champagne, respectively, with Diet Coke chasers, Gina – you may want to sit down for this – ordered a non-alcoholic skinny-spicy margarita.

“I stopped drinking, which helped me lose a lot of weight and look great, but also, like, mentally I think it’s much better for me,” she says. “So I’m California sober, which means we don’t drink, but we still dabble in the marijuana.”

• Attorney Emily also deposes Jenn at the bar to learn more about her current boyfriend Ryan.

“Get to the part where you and what’s-his-name have sex,” she orders the witness.

• Heather, who never misses an opportunity to do more when less would do just fine, has a professional organizer helping her pack up her twins’ belongings for their impending freshman year in a college dorm. On Heather’s packing list are items including a sunset light, fairy lights, plates and bowls – “I got bamboo, because they’re better for the environment,” and a wall safe.

Because every college freshman needs a wall safe.