Things to do to instantly de-escalate an intense argument

Conflicts are normal in a relationship. However, the way we handle conflict and make up after disagreeing with each other is important. Healthy relationships are determined by the manner in which the partners address conflicts and clashes of opinions. Agreeing to disagree is a healthy way of carrying forward and letting go of the conflict. “Disagreements and arguments are normal in close relationships (even the most secure and healthy ones with friends, partners, family, etc),” wrote Therapist Sadaf Siddiqi. What happens when an argument starts to get extremely intense? How do we de-escalate it and make things calm? The therapist shares a few tips on how we can de-escalate an intense argument instantly.

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Reset: When an argument starts to become intense, the best way to handle it is to reset the entire conversation. Most of the time when an argument starts to get intense, it is because the topic gets deviated, and we are triggered. We should handle things by saying that we need to focus back on the matter at hand and have a calm and healthy discussion.

Accountability: We should learn to take responsibility for the mistakes made by us. That way, the partner will not feel that we are trying to blame them for everything. A healthy relationship also demands that we take ownership of our own faults.

Validate: We should be able to validate the emotions and the feelings of the partner. That will help them to feel seen and heard. We should acknowledge their emotions and provide them with comfort.

Pause: When things start to get out of hand, we should be able to take a pause, and calm ourselves. We can always come back to the argument later when we are in a better state of mind to have the conversation in a calm and healthy manner.

Be a team: It is always us versus the problem, and not us against the partner. We should be able to work as a team against the problem and figure out things together.