This is how we do it: ‘Gearing up for sex requires stepping out of our everyday personas’

Leon, 52

She likes to tell me the story of one of her previous conquests while I am having sex with her

I was 49 when I met Jenica. The longest I had ever lived with someone else was six months, after which point I tended to run for the hills, so I don’t have a frame of reference for what your sex life should look like in a marriage. In a way, those small, everyday moments with Jenica feel more novel and precious to me than a night of wild sex because I’ve never experienced this level of closeness with another person before.

The sex is just as inventive as it was when we first met two years ago, but it certainly happens less frequently now. We live together and recently got married, and now it’s very common for us to go weeks without doing it at all. Friends say to me, “You’re newlyweds: you should still be sleeping together at least three times a week”, which makes me worry we are abnormal. But it’s not like I’m dying to do it and she says no, or vice versa. It’s just that often we’re exhausted and wind up eating a pizza and watching silly television.

Jenica has the gift of the gab, which makes her the master of dirty talk. We like to play a game where Jenica tells me the story of one of her previous conquests while I am having sex with her. I tell her about other women I’ve slept with, too. The forbidden nature of this game is addictive. We’ve played it so many times we’re running out of previous conquests to talk about.

Gearing up for sex requires stepping out of our everyday personas, and one way to do that is to get dressed up when we go out. I’ve always loved watching Jenica get ready. There’s a certain leotard in her wardrobe that is a kind of secret signal between us. If it’s on, the sex is on. Usually, I’ll go down on her before we leave the house but she’ll make me wait until we get home for full sex.

When we’re out of the flat I’ll catch myself touching her like she’s my girlfriend, not my wife. It’s fun to play with each other’s expectations like that, and build up suspense. It’s important to both of us that sex doesn’t become some kind of sloppy release. I can masturbate if I need an easy orgasm, but I want sex with Jenica to be hot and special.

Jenica, 38

Picturing him with someone else lets me recapture the feeling of first meeting him

Leon and I aren’t keen on quickies: we like to make sex a bit of an occasion. From the very beginning of our relationship, we have enjoyed acting out elaborate sexual scenarios together. I will pretend to be a sexy next-door neighbour and we will role-play him interrupting me in the shower; or we’ll meet in a hotel bar and pretend to be strangers, hooking up for a one-night stand. Leon is a very creative and funny person, and it’s a thrill making up alternative personalities together and conjuring up scenarios out of thin air.

We get a similar kick out of simply dressing up as ourselves, and getting dolled up for a night out. We both work from home so Leon has grown accustomed to seeing me in sweats, with no makeup on. It’s quite a shock for him when I do my hair, and put my high heels on. In a past life I wore a lot of outrageously tiny outfits, so I’ll dust one of those off every now and again and Leon will get excited. I like it when he dresses up in his finery, too. It allows me to see him from the outside again, although I know him inside out.

Perhaps that’s why I like it when he tells me stories of other women he’s been with while having sex with me. Picturing him with someone else lets me recapture the feeling of first meeting him, when everything about him was a mystery. It’s exciting hearing about how much another woman wanted him, and knowing it’s me who has got him now. He’ll talk to me about what he did with some other woman in so much detail it’s like I’m watching him in bed with her, while he’s actually inside me – which is trippy, but erotic.

We used to have sex every day; now it’s more like once a fortnight, but Leon worries about that more than I do. He’s never really lived with a partner before, whereas I have so I know this is normal

We live a completely different lifestyle to when we first met during lockdown, when we were both unemployed. I think it’s good not to force sex for the sake of fulfilling some kind of optimum weekly figure, because then it becomes a chore. But when we go away on holiday it’s completely different: we roll in the hay every afternoon, because we have no responsibilities.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?