Wanna Have Lesbian Sex? Read This before Your First Time

According to Shaffer, what makes lesbian sex so amazing is that, unlike heteronormative sex, lesbian sex (and really all queer sex) doesn’t follow a socially prescribed script. The participants get to figure out exactly how they’d like it to look. “There’s generally a lot more turn-taking and centering [of] each partner’s pleasure, so there’s a much better chance that everyone gets their own happy ending (or endings, as is more often the case),” she adds.

This guide—filled with A+ expert advice, BTW—aims to serve as a reference for sex with folks who identify as women, which includes both women who have vulvas and women who have penises. The best thing about queer sex is that you can tailor the tips and tricks below to your situation and what works best for you and your partner. We’re here to give you the tools to make your sex life poppin’, and we love this journey for you.

Now, let’s delve into this extensive guide so you head into your first lesbian sex experience a bit less nervous, a little more prepared, and a whole lot more likely to have the best sex ever.

1. First thing’s first: Remember your partner is a person.

This might seem strange because hi, yeah, of course they’re a person, but Price says when you’re wrapped up in this notion of, I want to have lesbian sex, some people forget there’s a human on the other side of their desires, and that can be harmful to them, even if you don’t mean for it to be. It becomes “a fantasy is about how you have sex, not who you have sex with,” Price explains. “Curiosity about sex with a woman is more about exploring your sexuality, not exploring a fantasy. And action—dates, masturbation, sex, etc.—can absolutely be a part of exploring your sexuality!” So remember: Be kind, respectful, and honest with this person. (More on that later!)

2. You still need to engage in safe sex.

You absolutely, 100 percent need to be mindful of the transmission of STIs. (Studies show that women who have sex with other women rarely use barrier protection. ????) And JSYK, the CDC recommends getting tested for STIs every three months.

So in addition to talking to your partner about their sexual history and when they were last tested, you may want to invest in some dental dams to protect yourself from oral infection. Sure, putting your tongue against a piece of plastic might not sound super appealing, but it can prevent you from contracting things like HPV, among other common STIs.

For a more attractive option, you can check out Lorals, the only FDA approved latex panties designed specifically to prevent STIs during oral sex—and yes, they’re sexy, trust.

3. Practice good hygiene.

Don’t worry—you don’t need to stress about your or your partner’s overall cleanliness. “Picture how you show up for a date. Clean as a whistle, fresh to death,” Price says. And typically, that’s how your partner will show up as well. “That’s what women generally do. They’re considerate.” So just do your usual date routine and you’ll be set.

The one caveat is you’ll want to wash your hands, especially under your nails—just before sex, says public health practitioner Janielle Bryan. “Some sexually transmitted infections can also be transmitted by mutual masturbation, fingers, and hands.” You don’t want to bring the bacteria of the day to your partner’s sensitive bits because, hello, UTIs and bacterial infections, so scrub your paws good and scrub ’em often.

4. Be mindful of your fingernails.

Speaking of hands, it’s a bit of a lesbian saying that you can’t have long nails and have lesbian sex. But TBH, many queer women beg to differ, myself included. Acrylic and dip nails are still possible—and can be enjoyable!—during penetrative sex. They’re thicker and less sharp than regular nails, which makes them less dangerously scratchy. And if you’re getting poke-your-eye-out stiletto tips, Harlich suggests you “put cotton balls in the fingertips of a glove! Boom: non-scratchy or pokey fingering!”

As far as natural nails, in my opinion, they tend to be thinner and sharper. As long as they’re trimmed down though, they certainly allow for more dexterity. But honestly, best to ask your partner what they prefer to ensure no anxieties about scratches and/or hangnails.

5. Prepare for things to look…different.

This might seem obvious, but Price says it’s definitely good to consider before you dive below. If you and your partner both have vaginas, things will look different on them than they do on you. “Your own vagina is basically your blueprint of ‘vagina.’ It can be a little shocking to see [another] one up close and personal,” Price explains. “Don’t be like me. Don’t have a nervous laughing fit in front of them because you didn’t expect the unexpected.”

Something really amazing to do? Check out sex-positive IG accounts that share art focused on vulva diversity. There are so many different vulvas and vaginas out there and every single one is unique and beautiful.

6. Communicate before doing anything.

Before things get started, you should absolutely initiate a sex talk with your partner. Discuss your experience levels (so each person knows what to expect from the other), and dive into boundaries, hard limits, and interests.

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• What are you most looking forward to?
• Anything that you’re uncomfortable trying at this point?
• Are you comfortable with fingering?
• Are you comfortable with oral sex?
• How about any anal play?
• Would you feel comfortable if we incorporated toys for the clitoris? What about a strap-on?

Your first-time lesbian sex experience maybe isn’t the time to dive immediately into some kinky, BDSM sex, but if you’d feel more comfortable, don’t be afraid to establish a safe word like “pineapple” or “red” that you can use if anything is getting to be too much or you start feeling uncomfortable. These safe words will ensure nothing goes past what you’re comfortable doing.

7. DTR ASAP.

We don’t mean you have to be exclusive on the first date, but Price says defining the relationship goes hand-in-hand with consent. “If you’ve exclusively had sex with men, you’re probably familiar with how heartbreaking it can be to start sleeping with someone you like, only to find out it’s just sex for them,” she says. “Don’t be the person using a woman for sex.” While Price notes it’s absolutely okay to just have a casual, sexual relationship with a woman, make sure you’re both on the same page about what your situation is and isn’t. Like I said before: Your partner is a person. Make your intentions clear from the start so that there isn’t any confusion.

8. Take it slow.

In my experience, the best thing about sex with another woman is that there’s no distinctive end, which means you get to savor it all. And Bryan agrees that taking it slow “gives you time to relax and get familiar with your partner’s body.” She adds that it’s pretty much the easiest way to alleviate all of those “I’m-doing-something-new” anxieties and can help you find more confidence in your skills.

And though an orgasm shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all of your sex sessions, taking it slow will certainly help you or your partner get there. “Vulvas need prolonged, repetitive stimulation to reach climax. Slowly increase the intensity or until the person tells you otherwise,” suggests Bryan.

10. Get toys in the mix.

Toys, toys, toys. They add so much to queer sex experience and we think you deserve that. Linnea Marie, a Board-Certified Sex Educator, says getting your favorite vibrators and other sexcessories involved can enhance pleasure and the overall experience.

Looking for some recommendations? Our fave lesbian sex toys right this way.

11. Don’t overthink it.

Look, having sex for the first time in a new way is scary. We get that. But when we get wrapped up in our heads, we seriously rob ourselves of pleasure. “When the chemistry is there and the sexual tension is heightened, going with the flow and paying attention to the cues your partner(s) is giving will help guide you,” Marie says. The more we’re able to be in our bodies and enjoy the pleasure we’re giving and receiving, the better sex will be.

12. Learn about the sexual response cycle.

The sexual response cycle refers to the stages of pleasure that lead to orgasm. These stages are non-linear, but are often referred to as desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Essentially, this boils down to what your body does when it experiences sexual pleasure. Understanding this can be hugely helpful in being a good lover.

Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, suggests considering what your response cycle looks like so you can harness it. “From excitement to resolution, what’s all the fun stuff in between?,” she recommends asking yourself . “What excites you? What do you like to do during foreplay, during the plateau phase? How do you build pleasure up in your own body during self-pleasure?” When we can get really clear about what works for us and our partners, sex gets a whole lot better.

13. Sharpen your skills before getting down.

Look, sex is a learned behavior and being good at it is a skill. Sure, there is always a lot of learning to do with new partners—no matter your experience level—but doing some basic prep-work can both enhance your ability to give pleasure and boost your confidence.

“Take a workshop, read an article, hire a sex educator, or watch some helpful videos on anatomy, erogenous zones, and pleasure hot spots,” Marie adds.

14. Warm up the vulva before trying penetration.

You want to start by warming up the body and getting it fired up and ready for sex. Try stimulating the nipples, inner thighs, and other areas that feel good.

When it comes to the vulva? You want to take your damn time, D’Angelo says. “Never go right for these sensitive areas until your partner has had a chance to warm up and get turned on. Then you can slowly introduce touch to these sensitive parts of the body.” Start slow and lean into all that juicy seduction. It will make things even more electric. “Teasing pleasure into existence is very sexy and exciting,” D’Angelo adds.

15. Masturbate with each other.

IMO, mutual masturbation is a pretty low-risk, easy way to get things kicked off—so long as you feel comfortable touching yourself in front of your partner. Not only can you show them how you like to be touched, but they can show you how they like to be touched. Before too long, you both will be taking over each other’s hands and making each other feel ah-mazing.

16. Keep chatting during sex.

As for during le sex, enthusiastic consent is a must, but Harlich says this might not be second nature for women who have only been with men. “In heterosexual dynamics, it is often assumed men should be getting consent since they tend to be socialized to initiate sex more frequently (those assumptions need to be checked too!),” she explains. So actively check in with your partner to make sure the pressure is right, everything feels good, and they’re comfortable, mkay?

17. Practice your dirty talk.

Luckily, learning how to ask for consent and being vocal during lesbian sex is easy because you have yourself to practice on, Harlich notes. “Start by exploring yourself through masturbation so you also know what touch and language you like for yourself,” she suggests. “Ask your partner how they would like to be touched and what names they’d like you to call their body parts.” If you’re feeling stuck, Harlich says simply describing what you’re doing can be v hot. (“Going down on you turns me on so much” is a personal fave.)

18. Pay attention to body language.

1000% respect and honor what your partner says, but in addition to their words, Price says to pay attention to their sounds and bodily responses to your touch as well. “If they’re acting like they like something, do more or that. If they’re not reacting, do less of that,” she explains. “There’s no universal move that makes you good in bed. There’s just listening.”

19. Incorporate lotssss of lube.

Lubricant isn’t just for P-in-V sex. While vaginas self-lubricate, it never hurts to add a lil something extra to make sure there’s no unbearable friction. Plus, using lube with a dental dam can heighten the whoooole experience, so do with that info as you will!

Opt for a silicone or water-based lube if you’re using latex barrier methods. And if you’re with a trusted partner and you’re both aware of each other’s STI status, oil lubes can be used too—just never use them with condoms since oil-based lubes can break down latex.

20. Don’t be afraid to take some breaks.

Once when I was on a trio date with my boyfriend and another femme, my boyfriend asked, “How do lesbians know when sex ends?” She laughed and said, “When you’re both too exhausted to move.” And, yeah, it’s kind of true.

Since women have a shorter refractory period, most lesbian sex doesn’t have a particular stop point. But just because you can go for hours without a break doesn’t mean you should. Water and cuddle breaks are necessary and encouraged because you need time to recharge, reset, and put energy toward something other than sex.

It’s also important to know that you can stop in the middle if you want to. In fact, you can stop at any time you want. You don’t have to “finish” anything, even if your partner makes you feel like you should. (And if that’s the case, def have a serious convo with your partner about expectations.)

21. Most importantly, remember sex! should! feel! fun!

Don’t try to perform or pretend like you’re more experienced than you are. Obviously, it’s normal to want to be good for your partner and show off your skills, but know that it’s a process that takes time.

Instead, for the first time around, know that 1. Sex should feel good (in whatever way that means to you) 2. Sex can be weird and cause distinct sounds and smells, which are perfectly normal, and 3. Your partner isn’t judging you on your face, or sounds, or body—they’re really thinking about how g’dam sexy you are. Promise.

So relax, my friend. Take the pressure off yourself and enjoy the moment.

Gabrielle Smith is a Brooklyn based writer whose work focuses on topics like sex/love, ethical non-monogamy, mental illness, race, and identity. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.

Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women’s Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she’s not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she’s likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter. 

Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health.