Ways for relationship seekers to avoid gaslighters

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Was it surprising that “gaslighting” was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year? No.

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Should it have been surprising considering everything that has gone down in 2022 and the last few years? Probably not.

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Gaslighting is a term that has become an all-encompassing phrase for different kinds of manipulative behaviour where victims aren’t just misled but also made to question their own thoughts and sanity.

“It’s a word that has risen so quickly in the English language, and especially in the last four years, that it actually came as a surprise to me and to many of us,” Peter Sokolowski, Merriam-Webster’s editor at large, told the Associated Press. “It was a word looked up frequently every single day of the year.”

How troubling is that? And how fascinating for Merriam-Webster to bring it into the mainstream, considering how stigmatizing the word could be.

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Gaslighting can take many forms but it is mainly used as a manipulation tactic in romantic relationships.

We spoke with Bumble’s sex and relationships expert Shan Boodram who has advice for people who suspect they are being gaslighted.

“Gaslighters manipulate others to turn against their memory, emotions, and possibly their core identity,” Boodram told the Toronto Sun.

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“People use gaslighting in relationships to create insecurities in others and use that as a form of control rather than fixing their faults,” she explained.

If you’ve heard the words, “You’re being crazy,” “I never said that,” “You love drama,” or “You are so paranoid,” one too many times, you may want to rethink who you are with.

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If you are ready to confront the issue, Boodram warns not to start that conversation when emotions are running high.

“Share the pattern you’ve noticed and let them in on your proposed solution,” she said, suggesting people document their evidence, whether it be writing things down or recording conversations.

“You should do anything to create a system of accountability and make agreements in calm times,” she explained.

“If they object to any solutions or unwillingly participate calmly in this conversation, it may be best to step away from the relationship and invest your time and energy in someone who can have a healthy relationship with you.”

Boodram added that gaslighting isn’t the only mind manipulation tactic and people need to also be mindful of love bombing and breadcrumbing.

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(For the uninitiated, love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with adoring words, actions and behaviour as a manipulative technique. Someone who breadcrumbs leads you on by dropping tiny morsels of interest — a random message, phone call, social media interaction, the occasional date — just enough to keep you hanging on with hope but there often isn’t any follow-through.)

“Ultimately, I hope that these conversations shine a light on toxic behaviors such as gaslighting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, and more so that people can make better and more informed decisions for healthier relationships,” Boodram said.

Considering the 1,740% increase in Merriam-Webster searches for the term, Boodram doesn’t think the increased awareness of it is entirely a bad thing, especially for people who need a little guidance when they are dating someone new.

She referenced a recent survey by Bumble where more than 1,400 of its members worldwide agreed that they have a clearer understanding of what is – and what isn’t – acceptable in a healthy and equal relationship, including gaslighting.

“It’s unfortunate that trends such as ‘gaslighting’ are gaining popularity within daily conversation but I think it’s important to call out these actions.”