What College Students Need From Parents Right Now

If you’re the parent of a college student, it’s almost a guarantee that your son or daughter will return home for winter break with a large bag of dirty laundry and a “you-don’t-know-me” attitude.

That’s to be expected – but this year it might be especially difficult for you and your child to reconnect emotionally. 

Why? 

COVID-19 safety measures implemented beginning in March 2020 forced the vast majority of college students to continue living at home or return to the nest after only a brief time away. Now, nearly two years later and after having experienced three months of exhilarating freedom in their fall semester, these young people are eager to continue embarking on a journey of self-authorship – and parents want to go back to the way things were. While it’s understandable why moms, dads, and legal guardians might be extra protective of their children during these anxiety-provoking times, it’s important that those entering late adolescence (ages 18-21) and emerging adulthood (ages 18-29) be given room to experiment with their identities, experience failure, and learn from their mistakes.

As a cognitive scientist and the head of an academic institution dedicated to empowering tomorrow’s women leaders, I’m often in the position of advising the families of college students about what to expect during this distinct developmental phase. 

One of the most frequent worries I hear is “my child seems like a different person.” 

Fortunately, this usually isn’t a reason for concern: It’s completely normal for young people who are taking the first steps towards being fully independent to change – sometimes dramatically – over a short period of time. And an abrupt transformation isn’t a rejection of family, an indicator that the parent-child relationship is doomed, or a definitive sign of trouble.

Adopting new ways of thinking, political opinions, and interests is simply how young people try to figure out what is important to them. This process, called “self-authorship,” lasts from college until about age 40. It often involves highlighting the ways in which one is distinct from (and perhaps unlike) one’s parents. Developmentally healthy college students are supposed to irritate, surprise, or unnerve their families when home for winter break. Doing so is part of figuring out who they will be as adults. At this age, we all tend to use our families as sounding boards as we work towards establishing our identities, including our sexual identities; adopt a personal value system; renegotiate our relationships with caregivers; develop stable and productive peer relationships; meet the demands of increasingly mature roles and responsibilities; and develop and apply abstract thinking skills.

As college students begin to practice self-authorship and strive towards these developmental milestones, they might also be uneasy – worried that their families won’t accept them or fear that their newfound attitudes will alienate them from the people they love most.

That’s why open communication is the key to a nice reunion over the winter break and a positive parent-child relationship over the long term.

Here are a few quick tips for maintaining open lines of communication with college-aged children who are establishing their identities: 

1.) Give your child the opportunity to express thoughts and feelings without judgment. It might be hard for parents to control the impulse to respond – but more often than not, a response isn’t necessary: Just listening, nodding, and providing a hug is enough.

2.) Don’t lose your cool and say something you’ll regret. If something really pushes your buttons or makes you uncomfortable, avoid chastising or shaming your child. Instead, try saying, “I need some time to process what you’ve just told me.” After the heat of the moment has passed, you’ll be able to think clearly about the best way to react. Perhaps you’ll want to have another conversation or write a letter. 

3.) Recognize that the power dynamic has shifted. While you may want to establish firm rules about the activities that aren’t acceptable under your roof, keep in mind that if you forbid a college student, who is a legal adult, from saying, doing, or believing certain things while in your home, you might end up with one fewer houseguest for the holidays. Of course, if you think your child is engaging in behaviors that are potentially harmful or dangerous, then you should use your judgment to intervene responsibly. 

4.) Maintain proper perspective. Relationship-damaging blow-ups often happen over minor issues. If your son or daughter is just doing what students in college do – experimenting with a new fashion trend, trying on a new political perspective, falling in love with a new major or a new person – try to put your own feelings aside and react with empathy. Students at this age are in a period of transition, just as they were when they went off to kindergarten. 

The college years are when many young people start on their journey towards self-authorship, which is a necessary part of becoming a well-rounded, successful adult. If you want to continue having a warm, loving relationship over the long term, practice your communication skills now with the adult-in-training who is about to walk back into your house, probably carrying the gift of stinky clothes. 

For more information about how to successfully parent a college student, check out “Grey Matter: Parenting and the Science of the Teenage Brain,” a panel discussion hosted by Barnard College.