What is phubbing and is it getting in the way of your relationship?

We’re all aware, in this modern day and age, that the digital technology that sometimes connects us can often do the opposite, driving rifts between us. This is true everywhere from the problematic nature of dating apps to, it seems, our closest relationships, as new research sheds light on a modern phenomenon called “phubbing”.

What is phubbing?

Phubbing, for the uninitiated, is a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” – in other words, when you ignore a friend or significant other in favour of your digital device. New research has found this can pose a substantial blow to your marriage.

That’s according to scientists at Nigde Omer Halisdemir University, who proved in a new study published in journal Computers in Human Behaviour that a high rate of “phubbing” correlates with lower levels of marital satisfaction.

In the research, co-authored by Suat Kılıçarslan and İzzet Parmaksız, the team assessed 712 married adults (347 females and 365 males) from cities in the Central Anatolian region of Turkey to assess the relationship between their “phubbing” tendencies and their levels of marriage satisfaction (judged by linked factors such as effective listening, empathy and self revelation).

In this study, phubbing was defined as “individuals’ ignoring the other person and concentrating on their smartphones while using smartphones in social environments”.

What does phubbing mean for your relationship?

The researchers investigated the negative effects of this behaviour, for instance a “disappointment” on the part of an individual receiving the “phub” (ie, being ignored in favour of their partner’s phone.

“Individuals may have some expectations such as making eye contact, resting effectively and receiving feedback during mutual communication,” the authors write. However, in the case of phubbing, these expectations are not met, causing the phubbed partner to experience “negative emotions” and consider their partners “rude and negligent”. This can lead to “more conflict and less intimacy in relationships”.

“In this study, it was determined that phubbing behaviours of married individuals predicted marital satisfaction negatively and significantly,” reads the report’s conclusion – unsurprisingly.

According to Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, “phubbing” is a practice that comes up often in her therapy sessions.

“Attention is the most precious resource in our modern era, where we’ve never had so many distractions: things vibrating, beeping, pulsating at us all the time. It’s a topic that often comes up with couples I work with: frustration over their partners being distracted by their phones. I have one client who said the only time his phone was off was during therapy – he left it on vibrate while he slept. I’ve also worked with clients who’ve taken calls when they’ve had sex.”

The reason this is so uniquely emotive? It all comes down to childhood, adds Burke: “The first way we knew we were loved as babies was having eye contact with our primary caregiver. There’s something in us that craves that connection to feel loved beyond words, beyond gifts, beyond actions. Without this attention, we feel unloved and neglected.”