What trying to control someone looks like

Often in relationships, we try to control or change a person to fit the idea of reality and future that we have created in our minds. However, this can be extremely toxic, for the person and the relationship. No matter how much of false narratives we create in our mind, we cannot control or change a person. Shedding light on this, Therapist Allyson Kellum-Aguirre wrote, “A person with controlling behavior is attempting to conform another person (through manipulation) to meet their wants/needs. ⁣Those who struggle with insecurity and anxiety may attempt to control their environment and those around them to ensure predictability and stability, but this need for control can become unhealthy.”

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Allyson further noted down a few signs of what it looks like when we try to control someone:

Telling them what they can do: Every time we try to tell people what they are allowed to do and what they are restricted from doing, we are trying to control their behavior. Advising someone is a different thing, but forcing someone to do certain things is a toxic attitude.

Telling them that we know what is best for them: People are allowed to make mistakes and learn through them. But when we try to control them by asking them to listen to us, since we understand what is best for them, we become very toxic for them.

Managing areas of their lives: When we try to manage the areas of life of others that have nothing to do with our lives, we are trying to control them to lead a live with matches with our idea of living.

Keeping them away from their loved ones: Often in toxic relationships, we try to keep our partners away from their loved ones, such as family and friends, stating that we understand what we are doing – this is an extremely toxic behavior.

Manipulating them to change: We should never manipulate people to change in order to match our false narrative of reality.

Trying to make them like us: Asking others to think and behave like us will rob them of their individuality and make them dependent on us in an unhealthy way.