Why I’m Ignoring The E-Bike Craze—And It’s Not Because Their Batteries Are Exploding

When one lives long enough, one learns to ignore things that come along, make big splashes, then disappear. New Coke. AYDS weight loss candy. Beepers.

Over the last two years, I’ve repeatedly been invited to test drive e-bikes. But I already have a bicycle, thank you very much. It’s not even a nice one. It’s a Frankenstein quickly pieced together by my nephew, an expert bike tech, out of old parts he gathered from his bike shop after mine was stolen outside a Planet Fitness. It’s so far lasted me seven years and zero breakdowns, and I bang out about 80 miles a week in between the weights and the walks.

I finally gave in to a request to test my first e-bike earlier this year, while cat-sitting at an apartment in Los Angeles. This huge, beautiful behemoth showed up. It looked like a car in its solidity and authority.

Before I tell you what I thought of the e-bike, I should share a few things.

• I’ve been riding non-electric bicycles since I was a small boy. The visceral memory of learning to ride without training wheels outside of Boston from my Uncle John is still profound. I felt like I was flying. Biking has been one of the great joys of my life since then.
• When I first moved to NYC at age 23, I was a bike messenger for four months. It was 11 degrees out my first day on the job, and I had a ball. I became a ballet-biker, slipping in and out of traffic to make time. And I never went down in 13 years and nine apartments.
• I averaged about 200 miles a week on my bike for the first 12 years I lived in NYC. I’d ride from the Upper West Side to the East Village and back at midnight, cutting through Central Park. I couldn’t be bothered with the subway, and if you wanted to mug me, I thought, first you’d have to catch me.
• I completed a triathlon at Bear Mountain, part of which was a 20-mile bike ride. I stunk at running—still do—and I swim as a fast as a baby. I made up for it in the biking portion, though, passing all those lean, 6-foot-plus guys who shot past me during the running—and won a medal for coming in third in my age group. How many people in my age group? Three. But a medal’s a medal.

There the e-bike sat for the entire week I had it because of the incessant rain that flooded L.A. in December and January. My maiden ride was 10 blocks in the rain on the last day I had the unit, then back home. Verdict? There’s a motor, you can gun it, far out. My friends, I test ride about eight motorcycles a year. I am not the ideal customer. It was not a traumatizing experience, but neither did it convince me to give up my old junker. Here’s why I’m not sold:

Their Weight

I don’t know about you but I’ve lived in a few walkups in my day, and lugging this thing up even a couple of flights of stairs would get old, fast. You should be able to pick up a bike with one hand and up the stairs with you, 1,2,3.

They’re Damned Expensive Not Only To Buy, But To Service And Repair

While it’s true that non-powered bicycles can run in the thousands, you can also nab a used one in your neighborhood at a tag sale for 50 bucks. You can also fix it yourself with a little online instruction, adjusting the brakes and the chain. E-bike problem? It’s off to the shop, and it’s way more money and time to adjust and fix than a regular bike.

Your Battery Is Going To Quit Eventually. Then What?

According to experts, a notable loss of range within five years is expected and total battery death within 10. Replacing your battery after all that time will most likely not be possible, and then you’ve got a nice clothes rack.

They’re The SUVs Of Bicycles

We have a certain segment of society who are going to drive while angry, clueless, impaired or otherwise not looking where they’re going. I’d rather be hit by a regular bicycle than by someone riding a 40- or 50-pound blunderbuss.

Over 100 of them have exploded in New York this year, according to the New York Times, and four people in Chinatown died Tuesday in a bike shop when one of the batteries went up in flames.

I quote Ricky Roma from Glengarry Glen Ross: “I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion. If everyone thinks one thing, then I say bet the other way.”