You be the judge: should my brothers stop posting memes and respond to my messages?

The prosecution: Chante

River and Sky ignore me when I try to make plans, but reply in 0.2 seconds when I share a meme

I’m in an Instagram chat group with my brothers, River and Sky, and I always feel left out. The boys communicate almost exclusively in memes, and I am constantly ignored.

I’m 27, River is 31 and Sky is 24. If I try to make plans with them, they will leave me hanging but still reply to each other in memes.

I also have an issue with the type of memes they send. Some of them are sexual in tone: jokes about women and one-night stands. They are a bit laddy. I’m in the chat thinking, “Oh, OK – this is how my brothers communicate … this is what they find amusing.”

I’m happy to be in the chat and I don’t want to be a negative Nelly, so I don’t bring up my issues with the memes they send, but it’s really not my thing. I am outnumbered as the only woman. Also, I’ve only just been added to the sibling chat.

River and I don’t live at home any more, but I discovered that he and Sky had their own chat, without me, when we were at our dad’s during lockdown. They were laughing across the living room on their phones at a skateboarding meme River had sent Sky. I said: “Hey, I like memes!” and they replied: “Fine, we will add you to the chat.”

I’ve earned my place, but it does feel like it might be under threat if I don’t post the right type of memes. One time I sent one about being a woman on dating apps and it got zero likes. Obviously they couldn’t relate to it, but blanking me was a bit harsh. If I try to have a serious conversation in the chat I get ignored. River told me Instagram is not the place for that and I have to call him if I want to make plans, but that’s annoying.

Why should I have to call him separately? There have been plenty of times when my brothers have ignored my messages when I’m trying to make a plan, but then I’ve posted a meme and they’ve replied to that in 0.2 seconds.

The boys need to start using the Instagram group chat for actual conversation as well as memes. And I’d like my type of meme humour to be respected, too.

The defence: River

The group is for meme chat. If Chante wants to make arrangements, she should use WhatsApp

The first rule of the meme chat is that you don’t talk about the meme chat. Chante is making a bigger deal of this than she needs to. She’s quite sensitive, so if we don’t reply she gets annoyed.

The thing is that Sky and I made this chat group specifically to send memes. It’s Instagram, not WhatsApp. Chante says we need to reply to her messages on there, that it’s irritating if we’ve replied to everything else on the chat except her comments. But Instagram isn’t the place for making plans: it’s for sliding into DMs and also sharing memes and vidoes. We can talk on WhatsApp (although we don’t have a sibling group on there) or we can call each other, but Chante doesn’t get that.

She takes it personally if she’s typed something and I don’t respond to it, but carry on sharing memes. But sometimes I just don’t see her messages, as they get buried among all the memes and videos. Also, my brain is just not wired to look out for words on the chat, because when I open it the only thing I want to do is laugh, not worry about being serious and making plans. We made the group during lockdown and it’s helped us stay a bit more connected as a family.

In relation to the content we send each other, Sky and I are guys, so we do have a slightly different sense of humour from Chante, but we aren’t into anything dark or horrible. It’s just some of the videos are below-the-belt sort of banter, and I know Chante doesn’t like that. But that’s just how it is. Sometimes she sends funny stuff, too.

We have a family joke about Sky hating jam because when he was little he bit into a sandwich thinking it was ketchup and cried loads when he realised it was sweet. Chante found a really cute reaction video of a baby trying jam for the first time and said it was like Sky. We all liked it, so it’s not like we blank Chante all the time. She just needs to realise what the group is actually for, and stop forcing us to chat where there doesn’t need to be chat. WhatsApp is for real communication and Instagram is for memes.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should River reply to his sister’s chats?

It sounds as though Chante wangled her way on to her brothers’ Instagram chat and is now trying to turn it into something it’s not. River and Sky should be able to laugh at memes together without getting drawn into planning and admin.
Louise, 30

River is not guilty. Though I sympathise with Chante’s desire for inclusion, her brothers’ meme chat performs a specific function for them, which is what drew her to it in the first place. It would be unfair for her to change that, but they should create a separate group for more meaningful conversations.
Josh, 29

The Instagram was set up by River and Sky, so Chante needs to respect the rules of the group. Why not start her own group with her rules and see how it develops?
Dominic, 47

Chante shouldn’t expect to change the established culture within a group like this. The boys should be more sensitive to Chante’s feelings and respond to her messages. Posting memes is no crime, but if they are sexist, that is unacceptable.
Iain, 30

Chante clearly just wants to connect with her brothers, yet they brush her off as “sensitive”. But I get that the meme chat is for memes, so I suggest the siblings start a WhatsApp group. River and Sky should also consider why Chante dislikes some of their memes. Is it really just banter, or are they promoting sexist stereotypes?
Lucy, 27

Now you be the judge

In our online poll below, tell us: should River reply to his sister’s messages on Instagram?

The poll closes at 10am BST on Thursday 27 July

Last week’s result

We asked whether Maura should use the bin, rather than the loo, to get rid of her tampons.

89% of you said yes – Maura is guilty

11% of you said no – Maura is innocent