You be the judge: should my fiance agree to open a joint bank account with me?

The prosecution: Maura

We trust each other, split our bills according to our incomes, so what’s the big deal with a joint account?

I met my lovely fiance, Aiden, four years ago. Our relationship is based on trust and we have a lot in common. But as our wedding approaches, we have started talking about finances and he doesn’t want a joint bank account.

At the moment, we are renting a small flat. We want to buy a home together and have kids. Once we are married, it will make sense to have a joint bank account. My parents had joint accounts and there were never really any issues around money.

My mum raised me and my brother and worked part-time, while my dad was the main breadwinner. They paid both their salaries into one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when they needed.

I’d be happy to keep our individual bank accounts as well as opening a new joint one. But Aiden is completely opposed to joint accounts and only wants individual ones, even after we marry. I don’t really understand why.

We are open and honest with each other and have never really argued about money. Aiden works in finance and earns a lot more than me. When it comes to bills and rent, we make things equitable, not equal: he pays a larger share given his higher salary.

A few of my friends think I’m lucky to have a partner who does that, but I think it’s fair. If one person in a relationship earns more than the other, and you love each other, they should pay more, it’s pretty simple.

Once I have kids, it will make sense for me to be able to access a shared house fund, as I will be at home with the baby more. It makes running everything much easier, but Aiden says he wants us to retain financial independence. That feels strange to me. I also don’t want there to be any secrets between us.

We haven’t argued over this but have had a few heated discussions. One time, I stormed out of the room because Aiden wasn’t hearing my point of view. He says it’s healthier to have some separation, but won’t say what he means by that. I don’t want to keep going over this, but we are going around in circles, and he’s not budging.

The defence: Aiden

A joint account is old-fashioned, and why should we start doing it now if we haven’t before?

Maura and I have had it pretty easy the past few years. We’ve not had any real hurdles or disagreements, but now we are about to get married, issues about finances are bubbling to the surface. I’m not in favour of putting everything into a joint bank account right now. I don’t think it’s necessary when we both have our own jobs. I also don’t think it’s healthy to have access to each other’s money at all times.

For Maura, my stance is a big deal and she gets a bit upset whenever it comes up. She says, “Don’t you trust me? Do you want me to ask for an allowance when I’m pregnant?” But she’s jumping the gun. When we have kids we’ll come to some arrangement to make things easier if she’s doing most of the childcare and running the household, but at the moment I’m just focusing on where we are now.

We are still relatively young and I just don’t feel we need to pool all our earnings into one account to live as husband and wife. It’s actually a bit old-fashioned, and if we haven’t done it before, why do we have to do it now? I’m wondering why a bit of paper that says we are married is making Maura reassess our relationship.

At the moment we have our own accounts and pay our fair share of rent and bills. I pay more than Maura as she earns less than me, and I’ve been very happy to do that. When we eventually get a joint mortgage as husband and wife, I’d like to keep the same system and just pay our own portion off each month while keeping the rest of our salaries fairly separate, but Maura can’t accept that.

It’s not like I’m tight. I pay a larger portion for our holidays and dates, as well as rent and bills. But I think it’s important for Maura not to rely on me for everything and to know she still has some independence. I also like investing some of my money and tracking its progress. I guess I like having my own thing going on, too.

It’s not a secrecy thing. I’m very open – but perhaps it is a “I like to manage my own money thing.” When we have kids we can re-examine this. But for now I think it’s working absolutely fine.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Aiden agree to a joint account with Maura?

Aiden’s defence doesn’t stack up. What’s the problem with the compromise of both joint and individual accounts? He makes a big deal about paying more for holidays and bills but seems far more interested in protecting his money and “financial independence” than sharing everything with his soon-to-be wife.
Euan, 37

If mutually agreed on, there’s nothing wrong with husband as breadwinner and wife as homemaker. You’re already following a traditionally gendered dynamic. It would make it less archaic to share money in a joint account so she doesn’t have to ask for an allowance.
Dora, 25

I don’t think Maura should force Aiden to open a joint account. Maybe they could come to a compromise and have an account which they both pay mortgage, bills and a little bit extra into. That way they will have a “joint” account but still have their own money.
Sophie, 38

Future life for you both will be full of changes. How you manage those should be mutually agreed and equitable for both. Mirroring Maura’s parents’ financial relationship when married excludes Aiden’s views. Listen to each other and act together.
Irene, 70

I understand where Maura is coming from about wanting financial stability if/when they have kids, but Aiden is right that it’s healthier to keep their money separate for now. As well as being able to spend on what they want, if they were to split up it could make untangling financial issues a lot easier.
Laura, 35

Now you be the judge

In our online poll below, tell us: should Aidan agree to a joint account with Maura?

The poll will close at 10am GMT on Thursday 23 February

Last week’s result

We asked if Agnieszka should stop telling people she’s a vegan, given her dietary lapses at home.

74% of you said yes – Agnieszka is guilty

26% of you said no – Agnieszka is innocent