You Don’t Need ‘Liquid Courage’ to Have Good Sex

Alcohol can be a real mood killer for people with vulvas, too. Vaginal dryness is another potential unsexy side effect of excessive alcohol consumption—one that can make penetration feel uncomfortable or even painful. Another 2018 study surveyed 92 cisgender women between the ages 40 and 60 with a history of alcohol addiction and found that, compared to a control group, the participants had a significantly higher prevalence of sexual dysfunction, including decreased vaginal fluid and reduced sexual activity. These findings suggest that excessive alcohol use can interfere with your sex life in the long-term, too.

And we can’t talk about the intersection of alcohol and sex without discussing sexual assault. You can easily be taken advantage of when you’re intoxicated, and having sex while drunk can be also be risky due to clouded judgment, says Caraballo: “This goes both for our own risk-taking behavior and what we will tolerate, and also for how we read a sexual partner’s comments and body language, all of which can be distorted and misunderstood easily if we’re under the influence.” Slurred words aren’t the only form of miscommunication when it comes to drunk sex—alcohol can also put your or your partner’s safety at risk.  

Authentic connections can equal better sex.

Sure, taking multiple tequila shots with a stranger might create an instant bond and even a shared sense of adventure. But that surface-level connection can hinder your ability to form authentic, emotional ties, which can diminish the quality of the sex you’re having. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, professor of relational and sexual communication at Cal State University Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast, tells SELF that a strong emotional connection can lead to better sex and more intense orgasms. “When you’re not drunk, you’re more in tune with your senses and each other, which allows for a more mindful sexual experience,” she says. Instead of using booze to get in the mood, Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn suggests trying a different shared activity that’ll help you feel more in touch with your body and your partner, like exercising, meditating, or making a new dessert recipe together.

The “mindful sexual experience” she describes was a foreign concept to me when I drank, as I often used alcohol to create a performative bedroom persona. “It’s easy to get caught up in the act of performing sex rather than being truly present within it,” Caraballo says. “When you have a strong connection to your authentic self, and that confidence of making the choices that are right for you, it allows you to be more present in your sexual experiences and that will almost always lead to better, and more satisfying results.” It’s no wonder my sex life got better once I quit drinking—I stopped performing and generated authentic connections with my partners and myself.

Disability consultant Bethany Stevens, who has a master’s degree in sexuality studies and is currently working toward her PhD in sociology at Georgia State University, tells SELF that giving up booze improved her sex life, too, along with her social skills. “I wasted a lot of years not knowing who I am, engaging with conflict that did not matter, sleeping with and making out with people who weren’t a good match for me, breaking my own heart, and creating drama because I didn’t want to work with my inner self,” she says. Stevens credits her two years of sobriety for much of her personal growth—both in and out of the bedroom. “I wanted an easy fix to confidence,” she adds. “I pre-gamed like a champ and chugged my way through most social settings. I realize now that working on socializing without alcohol would have allowed me to know myself a bit more.”

Sober sex and socializing is a trend for good reason.

In June 2022, the dating app Hinge surveyed 3,000 Gen Z singles around the world about what they’re looking for in a date. A staggering 75% of respondents mentioned that they want booze-free romantic hangouts, while two-thirds said that an intoxicated first date is a deal-breaker. Along with the rise of sober curiosity and the increasing ubiquity of Dry January, these findings suggest that people are naturally gravitating toward a more mindful approach to alcohol. That mindfulness looks different for everyone—some people might aim to drink in moderation, while full-on sobriety might be right for others. Regardless, the motivation is to feel better; it’s well-established that alcohol can do a number on your physical and mental health, so being more aware of your consumption has the potential to significantly improve your quality of life, sex very much included.