7 Ways to Prepare Your Relationship for IVF

As teenagers, we hear time and again how “easy” it is to get pregnant—and how important it is to avoid it at all costs. So it can come as a complete surprise when, as an adult who’s ready to have a baby, you realize it’s not going to be so simple after all. No one prepares you for the pain and heartbreak that comes with infertility, nor the challenges you and your partner will navigate on the journey to a positive pregnancy test.

In fact, according to a 2018 review of research, infertility may lead to depression at comparable levels to a cancer diagnosis for some people. And those who undergo assisted reproductive treatment (ART)—in-vitro fertilization (IVF) is the most well-known type—have a significant risk of experiencing psychiatric disorders like anxiety and depression.

“People experiencing infertility often feel so isolated, ashamed, and guilty,” Elizabeth Anne Grill, PsyD, clinical psychologist at the Ronald O. Perelman and Claudia Cohen Center for Reproductive Medicine and associate professor at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City, tells SELF. 

These complex emotions and high levels of distress can really put a couple’s relationship through the wringer. “For many couples, it’s the biggest stressor they’ve ever faced,” Kim Crone, PhD, a psychologist at The Center for Advanced Reproductive Services in Connecticut, tells SELF.

It’s understandable, then, that turning to ART after months of already trying to get pregnant adds another layer of stress to an already difficult situation. For some couples, ART can include fertility methods like ovarian stimulation or intrauterine insemination (IUI), but for many couples, the road eventually leads them to IVF, which is the most common and effective form of ART, according to the US National Library of Medicine.

“There’s absolutely no question [that IVF] puts a tremendous amount of stress on couples as they go through it, and I don’t think there’s any way around it,” Dr. Grill says. 

While both partners are in this together, each person is going to have different coping strategies and different needs, Abby Nordquist, MS, LMFT, a therapist in Syracuse, New York, who specializes in working with couples navigating infertility, tells SELF. Because IVF can often feel isolating, supporting each other is critical. That’s why doing some work ahead of time to get on the same page can help lessen the emotional weight significantly.

“If you know what to expect, then you can head off some of the problems before they happen,” Dr. Grill says.

With that in mind, here are seven steps experts recommend to help keep your bond strong throughout IVF.

1. Discuss some big-picture topics beforehand.

The biggie: finances, and exactly how much money you’re able (and willing) to put toward this effort. “I always encourage patients to have a discussion about setting limits. They can be flexible, but it’s really important to have that discussion,” Dr. Crone says. One person might be ready to spend whatever it costs, even if that means going into debt, while the other might be more financially conservative, she notes.