Are you phubbing your partner? 5 ways it’s destroying your marriage; how to address it

Ignoring is perhaps the worst form of snubbing someone. Preferring your mobile phone over chitchatting with your friend or partner is no less punishing. Phubbing or the practice of staying glued to your smartphone even as a partner or a friend sitting next to you is waiting to get your attention, in the technology-driven world of today has been doing more damage than one would expect. According to a study published in journal Computers in Human Behavior, Suat Kılıçarslan and İzzet Parmaksız, a pair of psychologists at Niğde Ömer Halisdemir University found out that married couples who regularly engage in phone snubbing (phubbing) have lower marriage satisfaction than couples who do not. Whether you are phubbing your partner at teatime or bedtime, you are surely making yourself emotionally distant from them. (Also read: How to help soothe your partner when they are distressed)

What is phubbing?

Phubbing is the practice of ignoring a physical companion in favour of a mobile phone. This term is a combination of the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing.’ Smartphone or cell phone addiction has become a common problem in kids, teenagers and adults where they aren’t able to stop themselves from staying glued to the phone as they browse through social media, watch YouTube videos or binge-watch movies and series. This not only affects performance at schools and offices but also impact relationships.

What is double phubbing?

When both the people sitting next to each other are glued to their mobile and ignoring each other’s presence, it’s called double phubbing. However, it doesn’t make it any less harmful.

History of the word phubbing

An Australian advertising firm invented the word ‘Phubbing’ in 2012 to characterise the rising practice of people neglecting those who are directly in front of them in favour of continuing to be absorbed in their phones.

How phubbing can hurt

“Phubbing can do harm to both your own mental health and the mental health of your loved ones, even if it may not seem like a major concern. The simple act of sitting next to someone and choosing to ignore them and continue using your phone instead of interacting and conversing with them will make the other person feel rejected. It hurts even more when the other person is your spouse or in a committed relationship with you. Maintaining the spark in a relationship is crucial for its success, and this can’t happen if the partners ignore one another,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait.

Dr Chandni Tugnait, M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director – Gateway of Healing in an interview with HT Digital answers our common concerns about phubbing and explains how the practice is impacting marriages.

How phubbing can affect marriage

1. Reduced marital satisfaction

According to research, phubbing consistently results in decreased levels of marital satisfaction in relationships. The continual interruption of phones can lead to a lack of closeness and conflicting feelings in a relationship.

2. Regular conflict

Phubbing frequently causes disagreements between partners regarding excessive phone use. This tension may be brought on by feelings of abandonment or the perception that the phone takes precedence over the relationship.

3. Emotional distance

Phubbing prevents partners from feeling emotionally connected to one another. It can cause feelings of isolation, lowered relevance, and a lack of intimacy when one person habitually puts their phone before their spouse.

4. Escapism

For a lot of people, social media, gaming and scrolling on the phone aimlessly, can become a way of escaping from marital stress or even day-to-day responsibilities. This in turn creates more discord in relationships.

5. The feeling of rejection

Phubbing can pose a threat to a relationship’s basic psychological requirements, including self-esteem, a sense of purpose in life, control, and belonging. It can cause people to feel inferior, isolated, and shunned.

“Phubbing has a negative effect on marriages, so it’s important for couples to be aware of the problem and take steps to limit phone use when spending time together. Restoring intimacy and fortifying the bond between spouses can be accomplished by open communication, establishing boundaries, and creating phone-free zones. The key is to find a balance between digital interactions and spending quality, uninterrupted time with one’s spouse,” says Dr Chandni.

The worst time for phubbing

Dr Changni says there isn’t a good time for phubbing.

“If you are with another person and instead of engaging with them if you are busy with your phone, that is incredibly rude. This also creates friction among friendships and relationships, where the other person’s worth is diminished, and they feel rejected. Phubbing is especially unacceptable if you are at a social gathering, professional setting, or during some emotional moment. Treating people in your life with respect is essential and phubbing them is the opposite,” she says.

Are we losing friends due to phubbing?

When we fall into a habit of phubbing, it is inevitable that we start losing the people who are close to us. A friendship is maintained through interactions with each other, by sharing life and moments, and if we are phubbing our friends, no one would like to stick around for a long time. Genuine presence and connection are necessary for a friendship, which phubbing undercuts. Due to ongoing phone distractions, friends may experience disconnection and lack emotional connection, says Dr Chandni.

What does phubbing show about a person’s mental state?

A person’s continuous indulgence in phubbing reveals certain underlying psychological factors. Such a person may have a lack of presence and attention to circumstances around them. This indicates a lack of focus in a person. It may also highlight a person’s tendency to avoid emotional connections or even a dependence on technology for validation that they lack in their life.

How to make your partner stop phubbing?

If you have noticed that your partner is phubbing you, then the best thing to do is to talk to them about it.

• Choose a comfortable space where they don’t feel like phubbing. Express how you feel about this particular habit of your partner – voice your opinion and ask about their opinion so that you both are on the same page.
• Let your partner understand the impact of their habit on the connection. Discuss how much their presence matters to you and vice versa.
• Suggest other alternatives that you both could enjoy without your phones like going for walks, playing games, or going on a fun date.
• Also, set certain boundaries so that your partner does not fall back to old habits. Remember to celebrate the efforts your partner makes in reducing phubbing to encourage them further.

How can phubbing be addressed?

“Phubbing can be addressed by a combination of awareness, empathy, setting boundaries, and consciously changing behavioural patterns. The first and foremost thing to do is address your habits and be self-aware of times you are phubbing. Once you have addressed your own phubbing, raise awareness about it, make people conscious of this habit and promote mindful use of technology. Phubbing can even become an addictive habit that can be difficult to let go; in such cases, reach out to a mental health professional to get help,” concludes Dr Chandni.