Ask Amy: A friend with many secrets demands silence

Dear Amy: My significant other (“Danny”) believes in the adage that there are “no secrets” between couples. I largely agree in terms of our secrets. However, when it comes to the confidences of my friends and family, I won’t share tales that are not my own.

Danny and I met through our mutual friend “Jack.” Jack and I are close (he is gay) and he often tells me things in confidence that he does not also share with Danny. Danny has said that this makes him uncomfortable.

Recently, Jack confided a secret that he made clear he has not shared with anybody — except those in his closest circle.

That secret is very likely to come out soon and will have ripple effects in our friend group.

Since this was revealed to me, I have struggled with whether I should share this secret with Danny, even though I still believe that it is not mine to share.

My question is: What do I ‘owe’ to my partner to meet his stated need to be totally open and honest in our relationship? What are my other friends and loved ones entitled to in terms of my discretion?

I am aware my emotional closeness with Jack has made Danny feel a little “less than” in the past. As such, I never share anything important with Jack that I have not already discussed with Danny.

I am confident that Danny is fine with this friendship, but he does not like me holding Jack’s secrets.

Is honesty the best policy?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering: Friends should understand that when disclosing something to you, you won’t gossip to others, but you might share something with your partner based on your own judgment.